Stairway To Perception
by queequeg0228
Summary: "You can't go back and undo a kiss. Once you've been there, you've been there." Post Countdown.
1. Frozen

**Disclaimer:** I don't get money from this story. Castle and its characters doesn't belong to me but to their respective owners, I'm borrowing them to write this story, my homage to a show I find smart, interesting and so emotional it hurts.

**Athor's notes**: This is my first attempt in writing a Castle fanfic, I just couldn't wait a month after the end of Countdown so I opened my word processor and started convulsively to type. English is not my first language, so forgive me if you'll find some mistakes. A personal thanks to Stana and Nathan, they're so good together, and to Rob Bowman, it's so good to see you again, pal!

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**Stairway To Perception**

_Chapter 1: Frozen_

They stopped trying to get out about fifteen minutes ago. Now they rest against the cold wall, their bodies close in the vain hope to gain some body heat. Castle watched her in the blue glow of the chamber, his concern growing. He couldn't see her face, but she had frost all over her hairs and clothes and he could bet her lips were a frightening shade of blue by now. Obviously she was feeling the effects of the cold much more quickly than him. Her body was less and less shaken by tremors and her voice came out weak and sleepy. He had done enough research for his books to know this was a bad, bad sign.

"I'm s... I'm sorry." he said, his voice broken by the chattering of his own teeth.

"For what?" she asked feebly.

He shuddered uncontrollably. "Fo-for being me... for going rogue, getting you into... into this. If we hadn't gone on our own..."

"Shh, Castle, no. Okay?" she hushed him. If he wasn't facing the back of her head he could have actually seen her almost rolling her eyes. "Shh. Shh." she took a deep breath with some effort. "You were right, we found the bomb. We were just too late, okay?"

She could feel her eyelids grow heavy, it was difficult not to just let them close. She slowly turned in his arms and snuggled in closer, resting her cheek on his shoulder. She nestled quietly there, searching more comfort than warmth. There was no more warmth to give or take. They were slowly freezing to death and they both knew it, despite is everlasting optimism.

Her voice was barely audible to her own ears when she whispered his name. He looked down at her as she raised her eyes to his face, her trembling fingertips touching gently his chin in a tired caress that she couldn't even feel.

"Thank you... for being there."

He understood what she was implying and his lips curved slightly upwards. "Always."

But though he could see her hand lowering from his chin to his coat, he didn't noticed her eyes closing. She was fending off sleep with her every fiber. When she spoke her words were a mere whisper.

"I just want you to know how much I lo..." Words died in her throat, no longer able to come out.

He looked down at her with worry just as her body went limp and her hand dropped to her lap._ This is not happening_, he thought. He hugged her tighter then, trying to shake her out of slumber.

"Kate." No response. "Stay with me. Kate?" he passed his hand on her face then, to be sure she was still breathing or to stroke her face he didn't know. "Shh. Shh. Stay with me."

He pressed his cheek to the top of her head and squeezed his eyes shut as to block out the terrifying image of Kate Beckett dying right there in his arms. Only two words echoed in his brain as he succumbed to the cold. _Me too_.

_...three days later_

The buzzing of the doorbell came not at all unexpected, so when he opened the door it came as no surprise for him to see her standing on the threshold. Her curly brown hairs hugged her face gently, adding to the contrast to her stern gray eyes, shining with something he couldn't quite place. Was it anger? Actually it seemed more hurt. Hell, probably both of them.

"So you're back from the Hamptons?" she said taking off her gloves and storming into the loft not waiting to be invited in.

He closed the door behind her, and followed her into the room. "Hi to you too, Detective Beckett." She fixed him with a death glare, so he just answered her question.

"Yeah, mother an Alexis are due back later this afternoon. I came back just an hour ago, had some business to take care of." he said vaguely, but his hope she wasn't there for the reason he supposed her to be faded with her next words.

"This business of yours includes faxing your resignation to Captain Montgomery?"

As always he tried his best cards, humor in association with his charming smile. "I thought I couldn't resign since I never got the job in the first place."

"Castle." she said as a warning, raising a perfect eyebrow to emphasize the point. His smile faded quickly as he took in the picture, she wouldn't take any bullshit from him, not tonight.

He sighed heavily. "I asked him not to tell you."

"And then what?" she said crossing her arms on her chest, not really waiting for an answer. "You'd leave without even letting me know?" she fixed him with her accusing eyes, hurt now evident all over her features. "I thought I deserve more than this."

"You do. I just... " he lowered his gaze to the floor. He didn't want to tell her the whole truth, so he opted for an half truth. "It's not you, it's me. I just can't cope with what happened in the last few days." he paused briefly, then raised his troubled eyes to her face again. He saw confusion in hers, so he further explained. "I saw you slip away, Beckett, right in my arms, and I couldn't do anything to bring you back to me. I was so scared."

She softened at his words, maybe she misunderstood his motives. Maybe the empty and hollow expression she saw on his face when he was leaving the precinct after the whole bomb mess, was because in fact it had been a hell of a day. Maybe it had nothing to do with the fact that he was heading home alone leaving her in the arms of her caring boyfriend, after she actually told him he was the one she wanted. She felt a weight being lifted from her chest. They could fix it, she could fix it. She reached out to grab his hands, tugging at them gently to get his attention.

"Castle, listen to me. I know that facing death three times in less then twenty-four hours is an high standard even for cops, but we're here now, we're ok." she tried to reassure him.

"Are we?"

Such a simple question, despite it held in itself more than one meaning. Each of them were not lost to her, even if she tried to ignore them.

She took his right hand with both of hers and place it directly over her heart, covering it with hers. He could feel her strong pulse under his fingertips. He closed his eyes focusing on her strong and steady heartbeat and let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

Deeply touched by his concern for her she squeezed his hand gently. "I'm here, Castle, and I'm alive. Thanks to you."

He chuckled at that. "As much as I would be glad to take the credit for saving your precious life, detective, truth is we just were lucky." he said opening his eyes and smiling coyly.

"Yes, we were." she returned his smile. "But fortune favors the braves. When I gave up all hope to stop the countdown you still believed you could do something. That's what saved us."

"I had to do something. I couldn't stand the look of terror on your face when the bomb was ticking out... God, I'll never forget that face, it haunts me in my nightmares, Beckett."

She knew exactly what he was referring to, because his own terrified face was distinctly imprinted in her mind every time she closed her eyes.

Suddenly she felt the urge to comfort him, or maybe she was the one needing to be comforted, she didn't know for sure. She closed the gap between them and hugged him, resting her chin over his shoulder. It was just a matter of seconds when she felt him relax in her embrace, circling her waist with his strong arms. Neither moved, neither spoke. Yet it was not awkward, each giving strength, each receiving it from the other.

"I can still feel the chill in my bones, you know." she spoke quietly in his ear, clinging to him.

He sighed. "Me too."

She closed her eyes and nuzzled his neck lightly with her nose. "You are warm." Warm like no one else in these past three days.

"I thought I was hot." he faked hurt, and she chuckled in his shoulder. Trust Castle to make a silly joke while discussing something so serious. He could feel her smile against his skin as her body rocked with laughter.

Then she went quiet again. "You can't leave me, Rick. You said always."

He pulled his head back slightly to see her eyes, the same eyes that were boring into his. Funny how they could change their colour with her mood. The cloudy gray of before was replaced by a warm shade of green.

"Beckett-"

She knew she shouldn't asked this, she knew she was taking a huge risk. But she needed to know, so whatever he was going to say she cut him off. "Did you mean it?"

Seeing him hesitate, with a note of urgency in her voice she asked again. "Did you mean it, Castle?"

His answer was barely a whisper. "Yes."

Beckett visibly relaxed and gave him a smirk of her own. "Good, cause I meant every single word I said in there too."

She cupped his face then, an hand on each cheek, then slid down slowly and gracefully to linger for the briefest moment on his lips. Her eyes followed her fingertips and rested on his mouth as her expression clouded for a second.

She felt him stiffen under her caress, causing her to suddenly realize how dangerous and unfair this was.

"I really should go." she said, removing her hands from his face as she'd been burned.

She turned to leave then, but his hands were faster and grabbed her arms, pulling her back to him. The other hand came up to the back of her neck, and they looked at each other just for a split second before their mouths collided, hot and hungry.

The kiss was frenzied, and the physical need to touch him in every possible way brought her flushed against his hard body as one of his hands slid down to the small of her back to make sure she stayed that way. Her fingers weren't idle either, and tangled in his hairs as they explored each other mouth, both of them fighting to take control of the kiss.

The intensity of the kiss was overwhelming, mouths clashed and tongues caressed where teeth had previously bitten. He left her mouth to descend along the column of her neck, eliciting a groan from deep inside of her when he sucked on a particular sensitive spot.

Hearing her own passion filled voice somehow took her out of her trance. She could feel the blood roaring in her ears, louder than all her other thoughts. But not loud enough to cover the single word her mind was screaming. Josh.

Oh. My. God. What the hell was she doing?

"Castle..." she tried to get his attention, but squirming in his arms only added fuel to his desire. He bit not so gently where her shoulder met her neck, right on her pulse, causing her to moan again. No no no, this wasn't supposed to happen. She had to stop this, and fast.

"Rick, please... Rick stop."

She pushed slightly against his chest so he pulled back slightly confused. No part of him was currently touching her except for her hands on his chest. They looked at each other, both breathing heavily, both at a loss for words. But she recovered quickly and spoke first. "Castle, we can't."

He flinched at the resolve in her voice. Little he knew that though her voice sounded steady, her heart was pounding so fast she thought it could burst from her chest at any second now.

He sighed heavily and collapsed on the couch behind him, his head between his hands. "Kate, I'm sorry I-"

"No need to apologize, Castle." she stuttered trying to compose herself, "We... we were on an emotional roller coaster these last few days, things just got out of hands." she didn't sound convincing to her own ears. "Let's just forget this."

He tiredly looked at her as she leapt for the door, stopping with her hands on the doorknob. "See you tomorrow at the precinct?" she asked hesitantly, hoping their actions hadn't mess things even more than before.

At his slight nod she just left the apartment walking towards the elevator. With a ding the sliding door opened, welcoming her in, then closed as she rest her back heavily against the opposite wall, her head toward the ceiling and her eyes tightly shut.

As the elevator went down all she could think of was that once again her brain got the best of her heart.

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**A/N:** I'll be glad to hear opinions and suggestions from you guys, so please review! I'm currently thinking of how the story should proceed: they'll forget the kiss or there will be consequences?


	2. Miles Away

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.

**A/N:** thanks for all your reviews and support! Took me a while to write this cause I couldn't think of a case file that thrilled me enough to actually write it. Hope you'll like this second chapter!

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_Chapter 2: Miles Away_

The precinct was quiet as she approached her desk, and the sound of her high heels was louder than her aching head could handle. It's been two days since the incident in Castle's loft and things were far from normal between them.

She could remember how nervous she was about facing him the morning after. She kept sneaking looks at the elevator out of the corner of her eye, meanwhile pretending to busy herself with desk duty. When finally the doors opened her heart skipped a beat knowing he had been true to his muted promise. He came back.

Their eyes locked as he advanced to her desk, then smiled softly handing her the usual cup of coffee like a peace offering. Her anxiety drained off of her at such ordinary routine and she smiled back at him gratefully. He was doing what she asked him to, forget the kiss. After all, that was what she wanted, wasn't it?

But with no new cases to work on, only an hour later he excused himself and went home to, as he put it, "enjoy the pleasures of writing". Not at all weird, she thought at first, he had a book to finish and it was not the first time he left for writing when they were not caught up in a murder. She actually suggested it herself more than once, since paperwork bored him. And a bored Castle usually pestered her to no end, preventing her from doing her job.

Then the day before he did it again. He came all smiles into the precinct with the usual coffee, he chatted for a while with Wallosky about how much he enjoyed seeing Nine last month at the Lucille Lortel Theatre with Alexis and Martha, then left muttering about Gina and deadlines.

Sighing heavily, she dropped the file in her hand on the wood surface of her desk and pinched the base of her nose with two fingers. Damn headache.

"Yo Beckett," Esposito greeted her as she passed by, "rough night?" he asked, taking in her tired appearance as Ryan averted his eyes briefly from the text he was writing on his cellphone.

"Rough week, Esposito." she snorted. Then she noted her usual cup of coffee waiting on her desk, steam coming out profusely from it. But Castle was nowhere to be seen.

"Where is he?" she asked, nodding toward the cup.

They looked to what she was referring to. "Oh, you mean Castle?" answered Ryan, pocketing his phone "He's in the Captain's office for a while now." he explained gazing in the direction of Montgomery's office narrowing his eyes as if he could see through the walls into the room. "Wonder what they're discussing about." he added suspiciously.

Yeah, she would like to know too. She stole a glance in the direction of her boss' office, then dropped down in her chair heavily. She earned two pairs of eyes focusing curiously on her again. "Don't you guys have some work to do?"

Esposito cleared his voice. "Actually I'm heading to the morgue to check some files." he casually said, rising from his chair and gathering some stuff from his desk, then headed towards the elevator.

"He's becoming good." admitted Ryan when he was out of earshot.

She took a sip of warm coffee. "Yeah well, too bad we know from day one." she noted, smirking at Ryan while she booted her computer.

When Castle left Montgomery's office some minutes later found Beckett sitting at her desk, drinking her coffee while shuffling through some sheets clearly not finding what she was searching for.

"Paperwork just sucks, uh?" he asked, offering a smile.

She jumped on her chair, obviously hadn't hear him approaching. "Yeah." she sheepishly grinned back at him, then opened her mouth as to speak, but she closed it right away, not sure what she really should say. She opted for a safe subject. "How's the book going?"

"Good, actually. I wrote an entire chapter this last few days. " he said cheerfully. "By the way, if no body comes up I'm heading home to put on paper some ideas I got last night."

Beckett eyed him suspiciously. Twice is a coincidence, thrice is a pattern.

"Castle, what's-"

She was ready to point this out when she was cut off by the shrill sound of the phone. She let it ring a few times, pondering if she should just ignore it and continue speaking. But he motioned for her to pick up, so she just did.

"Beckett." she answered without averting her gaze from his face, and for a while listened silently to her interlocutor. "Ok, we'll be there in twenty." she promised hanging up.

"We've got a body." she explained, getting up from her chair and putting her jacket on. He stood up and followed her.

x-x-x-x-x

The ride to Central Park was as quiet as the park itself at this hour. No screaming kids, no young couples making out under the sun. Just some early runner and dogs out for a walk with their respective owners.

A young blond cop stood just behind the tape delimiting the crime scene, eying the scarce crowd with bored eyes and making sure no curious could enter without permission. Beckett showed him her badge and he raised the tape for her and Castle to let them in.

As they approached the crime scene Castle could recognise Lanie, Ryan and Esposito hovering over something on the ground, actually blocking their view. When he and Beckett were no more than ten feet from them, the small group parted and Castle swore he noticed Beckett's step faltered for a moment as to absorb what she was seeing.

No matter how trained you might be, death always struck you. Before them the body of a young woman was wrapped into a transparent plastic bag and buried into the ground, only her head outside of it. Her face was white as a ghost and some scratches cut her forehead pretty badly. A few inches above her head a wooden board stood up from the dirt, two words on it written in what apparently was blood. 'Dirty girl'.

Castle bent down to get a better view of the dead woman, his gloved fingertips touching almost reverently the dried blood on the wood. Beckett could sense how this case fascinated him. This crime scene was not ordinary. Not just the usual body dropped somewhere after a struggle, or hidden not to be found. This one was carefully planned, the creepy epitaph spoke volumes. Not to mention the fact that it could have been straight out of one of his books.

"What have we got, guys?" asked Beckett to her team.

"Nothing so far. No witness and except from the blood on the board, which is probably the vic's, there's nothing useful up here." replied Esposito, who gestured towards the cops to dig up the body. "The forensics guys were waiting for you to start digging." he explained.

Beckett nodded and she and Castle took three steps back to make room for the colleagues. "Do we know who she is?"

Ryan shook his head no. "I requested the list of women reported missing during the last six months to check if someone match the profile of the victim. We should be updated any minute now."

Beckett looked at Lanie, who was taking notes on her pad. "Can you place the time of death, Lanie?"

"Not until I can properly examine the body," replied the ME casting a glance at her, "but I would say no more than twenty-four hours."

"What about the inscription?" asked Castle indicating the board.

Esposito shrugged. "She may be a prostitute, but it's too early to say, bro."

"It suggests some kind of punishment for not behaving," observed Castle, "maybe she did something our killer disapproved."

Beckett set her jaw pensive. "You might be right." she conceded, as Ryan's phone rang and he excused himself to answer. "Who found the body?"

Esposito pointed out to a man in tank top and shorts talking to a cop not far from them. "Mike Kamins, he was running with his dog when he stumbled across the body. He immediately called the police."

She started towards Kamins when she noted Castle wasn't following, still captivated by the inscription on the board. "Are you coming, Castle?"

He wordlessly nodded and caught up with her. Esposito and Lanie stared at the duo walking away silently, their posture stiff and both extremely careful in maintaining a proper distance between them.

Lanie was the first to speak her mind. "What's up with him? He's uncharacteristically less than exuberant."

"Don't know. He's acting strange since the bomb incident."

"And he's not the only one." interjected Ryan, who joined his colleagues. "Beckett is edgy around him." Both Lanie and Esposito turned toward him with a quizzical look on their faces. "Hey, don't look at me like that. I just happen to notice things, that's what I'm paid for." he shrugged. "Plus, I have two sisters." he further explained. "Oh, by the way, we've got an id."

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**A/N:** I know it seems they're ignoring the whole kiss thing, but I can assure you, they still won't do it for long. I just tried to add some more tension to the situation, hope I succeeded. *evil me*

I just couldn't restrain myself from paying homage to my favorite tv shows through the chapters. Wonder if someone caught the references... ;)

As always comments and suggestions are much appreciated! See you in chapter 3!


	3. Why's it so hard?

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.

**A/N:** Thanks as always for all your precious reviews, I hope I'm doing a good work in keeping the characters believable, otherwise please let me know cause I'd like this story to be as true to the show as possible!

_SammieSpy:_ I really really need someone to help me proof reading, so if your offer still stands I would be very glad to accept your much appreciated help!

_Alieh:_ I'm glad you noticed! Each chapter is titled after a Madonna song. I'm a huge fan, so I just thought of a way to somehow slip her in all of this!

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_**Chapter 3: Why's it so hard?**_

"So that's basically how she died." explained Lanie, dressed in the dark purple scrubs she usually wore when performing an autopsy. Karen Swenson's lifeless body lied on the cold metal steel of the morgue examination table. "She was stabbed to death three times in her chest with a screwdriver or something of similar shape."

The ME put the white blanket back over the young woman's body, and turned towards Beckett. "The location of the wounds suggests major bleeding," she continued "but since there was small amount of blood on the scene is safe to assume she was killed somewhere else, then carried to the park and buried." Beckett nodded in agreement. "And Caste, before you ask, the blood on the board is hers."

But leaning on the counter a step behind the detective, hands in his pocket, Castle not only wasn't asking, he wasn't even listening. Though hearing his name being called shook him out of his reverie all of a sudden.

"Uh?" If the perplexed expression the two women had painted on their faces was of any indication, he was totally busted.

"Aren't you a little old for daydreaming, Castle?" asked Lanie leering at him.

"Hey, I'm a writer." he defended himself. "I get paid to indulge in my fantasies with my eyes wide open."

"Oh, I know writer-boy." she snickered, her grin even broader than before, "I committed to memory page 105."

Beckett cleared her throat, glancing menacing at Lanie.

"Right." she sobered, raising her hands in surrender. "I can put the time of death in a 4-hour window, somewhere between 7-11 pm last night."

"Any sign of sexual assault?" asked Castle, his undivided attention now aimed to the body.

"Nope. Plus the tox screen is clean, I found no fingerprints, no hairs, nothing."

"That's strange." remarked Beckett. "The unusual weapon and the multiple stabs suggest a crime of passion but the lack of evidences and the peculiar way the murderer disposed of the body imply premeditation."

In the blink of an eye Castle felt himself pulled back into his thoughts as he saw Beckett nibbling pensive on her lower lip. Lanie said something to her he didn't quite grasp and she turned abruptly to him before he could avert his eyes from her lips not to be caught staring.

"Castle, let's go speaking..." she trailed off momentarily distracted by his intense gaze. She quickly recovered, hoping Lanie hadn't paid attention, "...to Karen's roommate to se if she-."

Just then his phone rang, so he smiled apologetically gesturing to the phone and got out to answer the call.

"Not hard to guess what he was daydreaming about after all, uh?" Lanie teased with a raised eyebrow as she watched Castle leaving the room.

Beckett turned to her in astonishment. "What?"

Lanie didn't need to look at her friend to know she has an outraged expression on her face. Beckett was so easy when it came to Castle, she couldn't resist to push a little more. "Or who."

"What?" the detective asked again, if possible even more flustered than before, succeeding only in making Lanie smile like the Cheshire Cat. That was the very same scenario that made Castle hesitate as he peeked into the room a moment later ready to say something.

"Is everything ok, ladies?" he inquired curiously from the door.

"Yeah, fine." Beckett reassured him, narrowing her eyes to Lanie silently daring her to say one more word.

Not one to be easily intimidated, Lanie nodded pleased. "As she said." she confirmed, her lips still curved in a sly smile.

Castle shrugged. "Seems I'll miss the interview, Beckett. My book agent just called, she needs to see me in her office asap." he explained "See you tomorrow." And with that he was out of the room again.

Beckett stared dumbfounded at the two-way heavy door of the morgue, still bouncing on its hinges. Much to Lanie surprise just a moment later she stormed out of the room as well.

x-x-x-x-x

Never in the three years they'd been working together happened that Castle left an ongoing investigation unless it was a family emergency, and now every pretense was enough to make him disappear for an entire afternoon. She was fed up with it. She caught up with him just as the elevator doors were closing and slid her foot between the sliding doors which promptly reopened, showing a confused Castle staring back at her.

"What's going on?" she enquired, positioning her body on the threshold and both hands on each door, preventing them from closing again.

"I told you, Paula wants to see me." he repeated himself, arching an eyebrow and surveying with concern her slightly intimidating posture.

"That's not what I'm asking for." she snorted at his feigned nonchalance. "You are quieter than usual, distracted, no improbable theories and you are out of here faster then light every chance you get. What's up with you, Castle?"

"Are you complaining about the lack of my wild theories? I thought I would have never seen the day." he chuckled, but he instantly sobered when he noticed she wasn't amused.

"I'm serious here, Castle. Please tell me what is it." she urged on.

He lowered his head, not prepared to meet her distressed gaze. "Look, Beckett, I'm sorry if my behaviour had you upset. That was not my intention at all."

Her voice was stern and confident, but her eyes were almost begging. "Then tell me you are not avoiding me, that it's all in my mind."

He grimaced then, because he couldn't deny it. He was blatantly avoiding her. He knew it, she knew it.

"I need time to focus." he explained, raising his eyes to her face again. He could recognize rage and hurt burning in hers. "I seem to lost my focus when you're around, Kate. That's what happened the other day."

"You lost your focus." she echoed, trying to make sense of his words.

He nodded. "You can't go back and undo a kiss. Once you've been there, you've been there."

She squinted her eyes in confusion. "I thought we had this straightened."

He exhaled almost annoyed, wondering if she couldn't see it or simply didn't want to. Still the concerned stare she was watching him with made his anger deflate and softened his reply.

"We are playing hide and seek from the beginning, Kate. You hide and I seek." his Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallowed hard. "Only when I finally find you, you hide again. We're going in circle, over and over. And I'm getting tired of looking for you."

His words made so much sense her head was spinning and her stomach was close to throw up all of her lunch. "That's what you were talking about with Montgomery this morning in his office. You never took back your resignation."

He nodded again. "In two months I'll leave for a promotional tour of the Nikki Heat movie. I won't be back to the precinct."

He heard her sharp intake of breath and watched her take a step back like he physically punched her. She didn't care to hide how deeply his words stung her. She just wanted to run. But she didn't. She stood there, petrified, as he spoke again.

"As much as I'd like to keep fooling myself, and you, it's not about the books anymore." He paused pondering for a moment his own words, then chuckled sadly. "Maybe it never was."

She was wearing the very same expression she had that night in front of the warehouse, when he cupped her neck ready to kiss her. She was frightened like a little lost girl, like a deer caught in the headlights and it took all of his willpower not to kiss her again. So he did the next best thing, he cautiously took a step closer to her, and when she didn't pull back he circled her body in a tight embrace.

She relaxed almost immediately in his arms, gripping firmly the fabric of his jacket like it was the only way to keep him with her. She flattened her body against his, resting her head on his shoulder. Her cheek slighly brushed his as they both closed their eyes savoring for a while the sensation of being this close to each other.

"I knew this day would eventually come, but I never thought it would have been so difficult for me to let you go." she murmured quietly in his ears, as one of her hand loosened its grip on his jacket and raised to draw small delicate circles at the nape of his neck.

"I won't disappear forever, Beckett." he tried to reassure her.

She breathed out softly into his neck. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Rick." She went quiet for a few moments, then she spoke again. "Do something for me?"

"Everything." he murmured warmly, caressing her back.

"Just be yourself this next two month. I need the real you with me."

"I can do that." To let him know she appreciated the gesture she gave him a gentle squeeze before letting go. They were face to face again, looking at each other, and he could sense her struggle with the effort to keep her emotions in check.

Then all of the sudden she smiled, the best faked smile he had ever seen on her face. "Sure you can, I'm the one with the gun."

She took a step back and let the elevator doors closing in front of her. He never saw that said smile crumbling just a moment later. He never saw her eyes closing. He never saw her suddenly burst of anger when her clenched fist connected with the wall at her left.

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**A/N:** if reading the phrase _"You can't go back and undo a kiss. Once you've been there, you've been there." _for someone of you rang a bell, don't worry, that's because it's something Nathan Fillion said in an interview I saw on Youtube not long ago. I found these words adorable, so I borrowed them for the story! Hope he won't sue me for that! ;)

Originally this chapter was a bit longer, because I wrote also Beckett's reaction to what Castle said to her. Then I was not sure she was totally in character so I decided to cut that part and publish it in the next chapter after hearing your suggestions. I basically wrote of a broken Beckett who opens up to Lanie but, in your opinion, how Beckett should react to this situation?

Next chapters will feature a break up, a shooting, a fundraiser (in which order I'm not so sure yet) and so much more! Stay tuned and please please review!


	4. Jump

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.

**A/N:** Hey guys, I'm back again! Sorry to let you wait so long for the update, but the good news is I have already written the next chapter so I will post it during the next days. As always thanks to all of you for the amazing reviews, you make my days brighter!

A special thanks to SammieSpy who helped me proofreading! If you find errors they are all my fault since I made a lot of changes after she read this chapter!

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_**Chapter 4: Jump**_

The door squeaked as Lanie entered the ladies room. She spotted Beckett immediately standing unmoving in front of the mirror. Even from where she stood she could see the detective's hands were gripping the sink for dear life, her head bent down, her long brown hair fell on her sloping shoulder and all over her face, shielding her from prying eyes.

"Are you ok?"

Beckett's shoulders moved in synch with the snort she let out. "How much did you hear?"

Her voice was low and so sad that Lanie pondered for a moment if she should lie to make her feel at ease. "Pretty much everything." she eventually confessed. "But don't worry, I'm the only one down here today, so your secrets are safe."

Beckett remained silent so Lanie ventured into coming closer. She turned her back to the mirror and leaned her hips against the sink next to her friend, crossing her arms on her chest and staring absently before her. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." Tipical Beckett.

"Maybe you should." she murmured loud enough to be heard.

Kate's head turned suddenly, a harsh expression on her face. "What do you mean by that?"

Lanie cocked her head to the side and arched an eyebrow at her, in what was unmistakably a 'really?' posture.

"Look at you girl, you're a wreck."

Beckett slowly turned again towards the mirror, taking in her appearence. Her eyes were red and puffy, black fading tracks were marking her cheeks where her mascara oozed along with her silent tears. Ok, Lanie had a point.

"So I'll ask you again, wanna talk about it?" she offered together with a tissue.

She slowly let a breath out and reached for the tissue, wiping vigorously at the black trails like she could have swept away all the evidence she'd been crying. "He's leaving."

"So I've heard. It's the reason I couldn't get."

"To promote the Nikki Heat movie." she replied uneasily.

Lanie pronounced her name slowly, like a warning. She could be as intimidating as a cop if she wanted to. "I asked for the _real _reason."

Beckett shrugged. "We've been through a lot this past two month and I think the dirty bomb case got to him so much that he is burned out."

"So basically you're telling me he's freaking out." Lanie said puzzled. "It's way out of character for him."

Kate sighed. How to put it? "Things happened that may have... unsettled him."

Beckett made a face. She saw the gears turning in Lanie's head at her poor choice of words and she could pinpoint the exact moment when all the pieces finally clicked together. "Oh." Lanie murmured slightly surprised "_That _kind of things. You two..."

"No." Kate hurried to point up. "No, nothing of the sort!"

"Then what are we talking about here exactly?"

"We just... kissed." the detective said with a dismissing movement of her hand. "Twice." added in a thin, guilty voice.

Lanie's eyes grew instantly as big as saucers then narrowed as she considered if she should feel more shocked about her two friends finally getting some action or insulted because Kate hadn't though of sharing this information with her sooner.

"Then why is he leaving when he should be glued to your tail?" Lanie asked confused. Then her jaw dropped in disdain. "Oh wait, you didn't!" but the lack of answer from Beckett just proved her intuition to be right. "You turned him down!"

Beckett opened her arm palms up, visibly frustrated. "I'm in a relationship Lanie!"

"I'm wondering why at this point." she said sarcastically.

From the disapproving look her friend directed at her, Lanie could see that she clearly didn't appreciate the sarcasm. "Josh is a great guy, Lanie. He cares about me and he wants to make things work between us."

"Sure thing, honey, but I don't hear the L-word in all of this."

"I do love Josh."

"I'm sure you care about him." Lanie conceded. Kate was about to complain when Lanie raised her hand to stop her.

"Uh uh, don't say it again." she warned, shaking her head. "Because we both know it's not true. You won't make it more real by saying it again."

"How can you be so sure I'm lying?"

"I didn't say you are lying, honey, I said it isn't the truth." Lanie remarked. "And I know it for sure because the Kate Beckett I know doesn't go around kissing other guys if she's in love with her man."

"Castle isn't just another guy." There was no point in denying this.

Gotcha. Lanie smiled smugly. "No, he isn't."

Beckett smiled too, admitting defeat. Lanie tricked her, she could see it now. She was led into admitting that Castle meant something to her.

"Very clever, Miss Parrish." granted Beckett.

"Sometimes a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do." Lanie grinned, squeezing Kate's hand for forgiveness. But there was no anger on Kate's face, just a tired smile.

Kate averted her eyes from Lanie and bit on her lower lip, something she often did when she was pensive or just nervous. In that moment she was both, because she suddenly wanted- no, _needed _Lanie to understand what Castle meant to her.

"When..." she began hesitantly "when my mother died I felt a void inside of me that I soon realized I couldn't fill. Actually," she smiled bitterly "after a while I was fine with that. Then Castle came into the picture and, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself he was just a cocky writer with an adorable smile, he always seemed to say the perfect thing and do the perfect thing." Her voice was full of emotion at this point. "Piece after piece he made me feel whole again."

Lanie didn't reply immediately, letting what Kate just told her sink.

"You know, there's a word to describe that feeling, honey."

The two women stared at each other silently, but the words Lanie spoke gripped Beckett's heart in a tight fist. She exhaled loudly, passing her hand through her hair and casting her eyes down frustrated. "He can't be what I need, Lanie."

Lanie couldn't understand why she was trying so hard to keep Castle at distance. "He gave yourself back to you, Kate, what else do you need?"

Beckett seemed to pondered for a moment her question. "I need to be in control." she finally answered. "When he's around I don't think, I just act."

"That scares you?"

Kate nodded. "It terrifies me." She groaned in frustration and covered her face with her hands. "I won't throw away another good relationship for him, Lanie."

Lanie knew without even asking that she was referring to Demming. Unfortunately that time Kate realized too late who she really wanted, and Lanie couldn't help but wonder if her friend could see she was stubbornly making the same mistake once again.

"Second best is never enough, honey. Don't throw away your chance for happiness, you deserve it."

"I could be happy with Josh."

Lanie arched an eyebrow skeptically. "You are with McSteamy now, still you are in this bathroom weeping for Castle leaving."

Beckett groaned at Lanie's bluntness and leaned her head on the wall behind her, closing her eyes. "Lanie..."

Hearing Kate's tired voice Lanie hoped she hadn't pushed the issue further than intended. "Sorry, I overstepped." she apologized.

"No, you didn't." Beckett opened her eyes and smiled mirthlessly. "That's exactly what I'm doing, right?"

Lanie nodded apologetically. "Come here, girl," she said opening her arms "you look like you could use a hug."

Beckett laughed at that, taking a step forward and wrapping her arms firmly around her friend. "Thanks." she murmured gratefully, Lanie's hold on her tightening in response.

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**A/N:** Happy season finale to all of you guys! Hope I will survive it... ;)


	5. Waiting

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.

**A/N:** Guys, no way I can survive the summer after the finale, I still watch it every 2 days trying not to feel the loss... ;) To quote Castle, that was AMAZING!

Back to us, it was time to put the Castles into the story, so I hope you'll enjoy Alexis and Martha as much as me while writing this chapter!

_LittleLizzieZentara:_ don't worry, Josh will be out of the picture, but not _so _soon. He has to suffer first! ;) *evil me*

As usual thanks for all your amazing reviews and thanks to SammieSpy for helping me proofreading!

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_**Chapter 5: Waiting**_

"Just in time Dad!" Alexis greeted him as he entered the loft tossing the keys onto the coffee table and collapsing onto the couch beside her. She was sitting with her legs crossed, a thick book opened over them.

"In time for what, pumpkin?" he asked, kissing her on the cheek. He removed his jacket and threw it ungracefully next to him. He passed his hand tiredly through his hair, not missing the concerned look his mother cast at him from the other side of the room. But he wasn't in the mood to deal with Martha right now, so he rested his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes, unmistakably indicating that he wasn't going to talk about it.

"To convince Gram I really don't need romantic advices." the girl explained annoyed.

"Since when did you become a romantic consultant, mother?"

"Since you were ten and you asked me what you were supposed to do with your sweetheart Jennifer, son."

"You know, after that episode you should have seriously questioned your skills, because I have never asked for your guidance once in the following twenty years."

Martha dismissed him with a gesture of her hand and Alexis chuckled at the exchange between mother and son. Hearing his daughter giggle, Castle turned his head lazily towards her. "Trouble with Ashley?"

The girl shrugged. "Gram thinks Zack spends too much time with me and Ashley could not be happy about it."

Castle looked quizzically at his mother who was busy polishing her nails of the worst shade of red he had ever seen. Having never heard the name, when their eyes met he mouthed "Who's Zack?"

"He's a cute boy who has a crush on Alexis." she explained lifting her left hand and admiring her work.

"He does not, Gram!" Alexis promptly remarked, and then she turned to her father. "We share some classes together, so it's normal to interact."

"You like the guy?"

Castle didn't miss the rising color on Alexis face, but he said nothing so she continued. "We have some common interests, I think he's smart and funny, but that's all."

He had to give her credit, if it wasn't for her fair skin she would have fooled him. Nothing in her voice or her expression betrayed her, but her rosy cheek told a different story. However he chose not to point out the obvious. For some reason Alexis wasn't comfortable into letting them know she liked this Zack guy, he respected that, so he played along.

"I think you should be honest with him, pumpkin. If you value his friendship don't give him false hope, he doesn't deserve it."

"That's the blind leading the blind." Martha muttered from the barstool, but Alexis ignored her and leaned forward to kiss her father on the cheek.

"Thanks dad, I will talk to Zack tomorrow." He smiled at her lack of experience. Real life wasn't usually so simple, especially when a love triangle was involved, he knew better.

"So" he changed the subject "I suppose Ashley will still be your date at the fundraiser Saturday night?"

"Of course. Yesterday we went shopping for a tie that would match my dress." Alexis answered enthusiastically "What about you?"

"Nope, no wild shopping for me, sorry."

Alexis punched him in the shoulder, not satisfied with his answer. "Whose dress will your tie be matching, dad?" she poked him playfully in the ribs.

"I don't know, probably your grandma's." Castle replied not at all thrilled.

"Thanks for the enthusiasm, son, but I do actually have a date for the night."

Both father and daughter look at each other with their mouth hanging open in surprise, and then turned to the older woman, narrowing their eyes silently asking for more details.

"Oh, don't look so surprised you two. He's just an old colleague from the Temptation Lane cast."

"You were in the cast for just three weeks." Rick observed.

"Yeah," Martha conceded, "but that didn't prevent me from..." she paused for effect and moved her eyebrow up and down a couple of times suggestively "...socializing."

Alexis cast an half accusing, half amused stare back at Martha, then addressed again to her father. "I thought you'd be going with Beckett, dad."

"Beckett has a boyfriend, Alexis." Castle said reflexly.

"I know, but you said he's often abroad for work, so I guessed she would have gone with you."

"He's been in town for a while now." he simply replied, clearly not wanting to articulate more.

Martha sensed the topic was getting on Rick's nerves and since Alexis was in for another round of questions he wasn't clearly eager to answer, she changed the subject. "How come you're home this early anyway?"

Little she knew she delved right into the heart of the matter. "I had a meeting with Paula, so I left the precinct earlier." he answered, getting up from the couch to retrieve a glass. He definitely needed a drink.

"What did Paula want to talk about, darling?"

Rick searched the cabinet for any kind of liquor he could find and when he spotted a bottle of whiskey he poured himself generously. He took a sip and grimaced as the warm liquid went down his troath. "She's arranging the Nikki Heat movie promotional tour."

The two redheads looked at each others quizzically, but was Alexis who voiced first the question that popped into their minds. "What promo tour?"

"Apparently I made such a good impression on Nathalie Rhodes she convinced the producers it would be useful for me to join the cast to promote the movie this summer."

The girl giggled quietly. "Paula must have been pretty angry when you declined the offer."

"Actually, I told her yes, honey."

Alexis brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand, dad, a tour will take weeks and you're busy at the precinct."

"That's why I spoke to Captain Montgomery this morning. I realized I did all the research I needed for my books." He ducked his head for a moment as if he was ashamed to lie looking his daughter straight in the eyes.

"But you can't leave the precinct dad! You love working with Beckett and the guys."

"I sure do, honey," he sighed "but let's face it, I'm not a cop. We all knew this day would eventually have come sooner or later."

"Does Beckett know about this?" Martha interjected, all the previous cheeriness now gone from her voice.

He nodded, downing another sip of his drink. "I told her a couple of hours ago."

The stillness that surrounded the room was broken when Alexis phone rang, signaling an incoming text message.

"It's Ashley," she explained "he's waiting for me. Hope you'll change your mind about quitting, dad." She rose from the couch and after collecting her things headed for her bedroom to change her clothes leaving the two adults alone in the living room.

Nursing the drink between his hands, Castle leaned with his elbow on the table next to his mother examining her expression.

"I thought you'd be glad if I quitted, mother."

"I won't lie to you, Richard, I feel relieved knowing you won't chase murderers with a pen in your hand anymore." He nodded in understanding. "But I'm happy if you're happy, kiddo. And you're clearly not at the moment."

"No, I'm not." The answer was simple and honest and that only was enough to make Martha even more worried.

She reached her hand to cover his on the counter. "I don't know what happened with you two, but you should not run away from her."

He scoffed and swallowed the whole content of his glass. "She's the one who constantly runs away, mother."

"Then stop running after her and just wait for her to come back to you."

Rick pinched his eye sockets, growling. "She's with someone and she's happy."

"Is she?"

Deep inside of him he knew she wasn't, but for a reason he couldn't grasp she was determined to make this thing she had with Josh work. Maybe Beckett was really in love with the guy. This thought only was enough to make his heart bleed. When he spoke again his voice was barely above a whisper. "What if she never comes back?"

Martha smiled and squeezed his hand tighter. "She will. Beside she's worth the waiting, kiddo."

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**A/N:** So, what do you think?


	6. Substitute for love

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.

**A/N:** Sorry to let you wait so long, but I wrote this chapter many times since it was never as I expected it to be. Hope you'll like this final version! WARNING: this chapter will feature Josh, but as promised I took good care of him... ;)

I'm constantly amazed at the amount of alert this story had received till now and very pleased to read your opinion and reviews, so don't stop cause it's good to know you appreciate what I wrote!

Thanks as always to my great beta SammieSpy!

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_**Chapter 6: Substitute for love**_

Kate laid curled up on her couch flipping almost absently through the TV channels, hoping to find something that would take her mind off Castle for a while.

She left the precinct earlier that night. After his departure and her chat in the ladies room with Lanie she found herself staring at the murderboard with no real clue as to what she was looking for. When she noticed Ryan and Esposito looking suspiciously at her from their desk she decided it was pointless stay at the precinct.

So she went home, changed into her running clothes and jogged the next hour through Central Park trying to focus on anything except her partner. And for a while it worked just fine. She wore herself out so much she wasn't even able to think by the time she came back home.

She showered quickly than padded barefoot through the house covered only in a white towel looking for her body lotion.

And that was a _huge _mistake.

As soon as she opened the bottle, the smell of cherries assaulted her nostrils. Needless to say, Castle broke into her mind once again, his playful grin, his flirtatious attitude.

So there she was, wrapped up in a blanket watching with very little interest a Letterman rerun and all the while stealing glances at her cellphone on the coffee table hoping that the display would suddenly light up with the picture of her favorite author smiling back at her.

Fat chance. As much as Castle promised to act normal, she knew he was trying to distance himself from her. He wouldn't be calling, at least not that night.

_Maybe I should just call him_, she mused.

Kate disentangled herself from the blanket to reach the phone. She flipped through the numbers until she found the one she was looking for. Her thumb hovered hesitantly over the call button for a few moments before she groaned in frustration and turned the phone off abruptly, tossing it to the opposite end of the couch. At least that way she wouldn't have spent the rest of the evening checking it like a schoolgirl waiting for the cute boy she had a crush on to call her.

Kate started to readjust herself into her blanket cocoon whan she heard a soft but insistent knock on the door that resounded loudly in the quiet apartment.

_Could it possibly be him? _Her heart skipped a bit as she sprung on her feet fidgeting nervously with her hair and clothes, hoping she didn't look as crappy as she felt.

Kate opened the door trying to put her best poker face on, but as soon as she stared at the man in front of her she hoped her disappointment wasn't written all over her face.

"Josh?" she asked puzzled. Her tall, gorgeous boyfriend smiled at her, obviously unaware of her internal turmoil.

"Is this a bad time?"

"No, it's just... I wasn't expecting you to stop by." Kate stammered, then narrowed her eyes. "Weren't you supposed to have a double shift tonight?"

"Yeah, but the colleague who asked me to cover for her actually made it, so I left earlier." the doctor explained before leaning over her and placing a gentle peck to her lips. Not really expecting an invitation Josh passed her by and deposited the pizza box in his hands on the coffee table. He then turned toward her, still silent by the door.

"Have you eaten yet?" he asked, discarding his leather jacket on the couch behind him.

"I'm not really hungry." Kate replied, finally closing the door and approaching him by the sofa. He was standing there, his arms opened in a clear invitation for her to move between them. Kate leaned against his hard body, wrapping her arms along his waist and sighed when he gently kissed her forehead.

"Bad day at work?" he whispered softly against her hairs.

"Something like that." she offered cryptically.

Josh leaned back and, disentangling himself from her embrace, but resting his hands firmly on her hips. He searched her eyes with his unsuccessfully. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Just a new case and no suspect." she lied, looking at his chest.

Josh's eyes narrowed and Kate knew even without looking at him that he was pondering if she was telling the truth.

"Ok." Josh simply said after a few moments of perusal. He kissed her tenderly on the cheek, then squeezed slightly her hips before letting her go. Then he turned and sat on the couch, opening the pizza box and bringing a slice to his mouth.

Kate knew that Josh wasn't stupid enough to buy her poor explanation and even if a small part of her whished he hadn't dropped the subject so soon, the other promptly pointed out that what was really bothering her wasn't something she could have discussed with her boyfriend. She held back a sigh, and sat on her legs on the couch beside him, who was finishing his slice of pizza and chuckling at Letterman's jokes.

With her arm propped against the back of the couch and her head resting on the hand attached to it, she found herself spacing out. There was a whole part of her life she kept from Josh and for the hundredth time she wondered why.

Her mother's death? Too intimate to be spoken about. _Yet you poured your heart and soul to Castle after only a couple of month of knowing him_, she reasoned.

Her relationship with Castle? Too ambivalent to be explained._ It's not that I could talk to Josh about the unresolved issues between us_, she argue with herself. _About him leaving in less than two months. About the kisses we shared._

Kate closed her eyes as memories flooded her mind. She couldn't suppress the shiver that ran through her spine as flashes of lips connecting and teeth bruising crossed unabashed behind her closed eyelids. When she reopened them her boyfriend's hazel eyes were looking concerned at her.

"Are you cold?" he asked cautiously, casting a glance towards the discarded blanket.

She shook her head, but this time he didn't give up. "Kate, you know you can tell me everything, right?"

She smiled at his thoughtfulness and lifted her hand to his cheek, caressing it gently. "I'm not good at it." That was a truthful answer.

Josh's hand covered hers and squeezed it reassuringly. "You make it look a lot more difficult than it actually is."

"Opening up to people, it's not what I do." she shrugged apologetically.

Josh couldn't quite concealed the look of hurt that crossed his features. "I'm no people, Kate." he snapped, lowering her hand from his face and physically leaning away from her. Josh stared at her warily for a few second, probably waiting for a reply she never gave.

"I just don't get it." he complained not hiding his disappointment "When you asked me to stay I thought you wanted a commitment. But you keep on shutting me out, Kate. You don't talk to me, hell you don't even touch me anymore."

Kate stood up and burned at those words. Her eyes flashed fire and Josh was the designated victim. "That's what this is all about, Josh? Me not banging you?"

Josh raised from the couch, facing her. "That's not what I meant and you know it!" he defended himself forcefully "We are more than that!"

"Are we?" she spat back at him. "I almost died three times last week, so forgive me if I haven't crawled into your damn bed every night since then but I was too busy putting the pieces back together."

Josh sighed and put a hand on each of her shoulder. "I know what you went through, Kate, I was there with you." He soon realized that words meant to be appeasing only succeeded in fueling her rage even more.

Kate laughed bitterly, looking away from him briefly. When her gaze met his again her face was harder and as she spoke her voice was deadly quiet.

"Were you holding me when I was freezing to death?" she hissed, raising a finger menacingly to his chest. "Were you looking me in the eye in front of a bomb just about to blow?"

Josh's hands dropped from her shoulders as said poking finger became a fist. "You weren't, Josh." she accused as her voice cracked slightly and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. "So don't you dare say you were there with me, 'cause you were not."

Both her fists were now slamming forcefully against his chest punctuating each of her words, as she didn't bothered to hold back her tears anymore. Josh let her take it out on him, blow after blow until she rested her forehead against her own fists and just cried silently.

"Shh, Kate, shh. It's ok." he soothed tenderly, encircling her smaller body with his arms. "It's ok to let go." He felt her leaning into him and kissed her forehead as one of his hand caressed her head reassuringly. She was falling apart and Josh knew she was hating every minute of it.

After a couple of minutes the tears subsided and Kate went quiet into his arms.

"Better?"

She nodded, looking at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

Josh hugged her tighter. "Don't be."

In between Josh whispered reassurances, Beckett couldn't help but thinking about what she and Castle discussed in the decontamination tent, about how she wanted someone to be there for her. As much as she tried to ignore the truth, Josh was far from being that guy. He rarely was there physically, but what hurt her the most was the emotional distance between them. And if the first was mostly his responsibility, for the latter she was the only one to blame.

Castle was right, she constantly fled from relationships, she was the one sabotaging them. That was exactly what happened last year, when she hooked up with Demming to keep him at distance, only to realize too late that Tom wasn't a solution.

_Funny how I ran *into* Josh because I was running *from* Castle in the first place._

She would have laughed if the meaning of what she just thought wasn't scary as hell. Every man she had in almost two years was just a mere substitute for Castle. Josh made no exception.

"I've been through a lot during these past weeks, but I shouldn't have unloaded everything on you." she said guilty "It's not your fault. It's never been."

Josh opened his mouth to reply when the shrill of the phone interrupted him. He started to pull back to let her answer the phone, but her hold on him didn't loosened. "Kate..."

"Shhh... Let it ring." she murmured tiredly against his shirt "The machine will pick the message."

Josh nodded and wrapped her smaller body in his arms once more just as the machine beeped.

"Hey, it's me..."

Beckett's eyes snapped open at the sound of his voice, but she didn't dare to move. _He did call, after all. Trust Castle to chose just the worst moment._

"I tried your phone, but it was off so... uh... I just called to let you know that everything is settled for Saturday night." She felt Josh's muscles tense under her palms. Probably because she hadn't bothered to tell him about the fundraiser yet.

"Guess, uh... guess I'll see you at the precinct in the morning then... until tomorrow, detective."

After Castle hung up for a few seconds neither Josh nor Kate spoke. Then he pulled back confused. "What is he talking about, Kate? What's on Saturday night?"

She looked down for a moment, long enough for a lock of hair to cover her eyes. When she raised her head again, she replaced it behind her ear. "A fundraiser."

"And you're going with him?" he asked warily.

"Actually, I was trying to pick up the best moment to ask you, but-"

"The best moment Kate?" he cut her off "You could have asked me anytime, it's just a stupid fundraiser, for God's sake!"

"It's not an ordinary fundraiser, Josh." she winced. "It's in my mother's memory."

"Your mother?"

Kate could easily see that Josh was flustered. She should have told him sooner, but telling him about the fundraiser would have meant telling him about her mother, and she hadn't been totally comfortable at the prospect.

"Long story short, a few months ago Castle had this idea, to establish a scholarship in her honor and host a fundraiser to fund it."

"Why would he do such a thing?" There was something in his voice, a bitter edge she never heard before that caused her to answer back just the same way.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You don't realize it, don't you?" he laughed drily at her blank face. "He used his money and his friends to tail you at work and now is doing the same thing to insinuate himself into your personal life. He overstepped and you seems fine with it!"

"You don't know Castle. And you know nothing about my mother." Kate said this aloud, but it wasn't meant for Josh. It was meant for herself, a reminder of the reasons why she really should not lose it with him.

"I know nothing because you don't talk about it!" he protested "But apparently you feel the need to share it with this writer guy. I'm beginning to wonder if that's the only thing you share with him."

When she felt her right palm burning it was already too late. Josh stood in front of her, wide eyes.

As she spoke again her voice was low and colder than steel.

"My mother was murdered nineteen years ago. We caught her killer only last year. That's why Castle knows about her." There was no point in telling Josh that only after a few days they've been working together Castle noted things about her he didn't pay attention to in almost a year.

"Kate, I'm sorry, I didn't know-"

"Then you should have kept your mouth shut, Josh." she paused briefly to regain her self-control before whispering coldly "Now get out."

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**A/N:** I love the icy way Beckett throws out men from her apartment, sadly on the show it's always been Castle so this time I took a little revenge of my own... ^^

See you next chapter and please, please review!


	7. Revenge

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.

**A/N:** Guys I'm back! I'm really sorry to let you wait so long but this summer was crazy and I didn't find time to write.

Please don't shoot me but I have to say this. The time gap in "Rise" really sucked! I was disappointed they didn't let us see how Kate handled the whole situation, in particular the "Josh thing" so I decided I should fix that.

But not in this chapter, right now it's just B&C and the guys! Oh, with a guest star... since I like to give a face to my characters, each one of them which is new to the show, in my mind has a face of a famous actor. Kind of I hired him/her for my story! Well, the hints are huge but I'm curious if you can guess who this chapter's guest star is... at the end of the story the solution! :)

And for the umpteenth time a huge thanks to my great and patient beta SammySpie, if you like my story is also because she works hard to correct my mistakes!

to _**eyrianone**_: ahhh, you made my day when you caught the reference! :) stay tuned for more!

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_**Chapter 7: Revenge**_

The bullpen was quiet when Castle arrived the next morning. He immediately spotted Beckett in front of the murder board, her right elbow was resting on her left arm which was bent at her middle supporting its weight. She was deep in thought and didn't acknowledge his presence.

He slowed his steps, savoring the moment. He loved watching her, even if she thought it was creepy. He loved how she would bite the skin of her thumb when she was searching for a connection or how her eyelids would close a little bit harder than usual when she was trying to figure something out.

"Good morning, Castle." greeted a nearby cop, pulling him out of his reverie so suddenly he almost dropped the coffees he was carrying.

"Oh, morning Gallagher." he replied smiling politely. When he turned again, Beckett was fixing him with an intense gaze. An deep, _unreadable _gaze.

"Hey." he greeted sheepishly.

She smiled and took the cup he was offering. "Hey."

"Any progress with the case?" he asked, mimicking her position in front of the murder board.

"Not really." she answered, "What about you?"

"Hm?" he asked absentmindedly studying the board.

"Have you settled everything with Paula?"

_Ok, that came out the wrong way_, she tought, hoping her voice didn't sound as pathetic as it sounded to her.

She was relieved when Castle didn't seem to notice it. He simply nodded between sips of coffee. "Didn't you get my message last night?"

Castle saw something shift in Beckett's gaze, something that he just couldn't place."I did." she replied "But I wasn't referring to the fundraiser."

"You mean the promo tour?"

She nodded.

"Well, the producers have extended their invitation to you too." he explained nonchalantly. Beckett was about to say something to that, but he was faster, effectively cutting her off. "I said you are a cop and you're not interested in promoting a movie."

"Right." she hurried to confirm, rearranging a lock of hair that wasn't really covering her eyes. Natalie Rhodes once said that it was a trick she used to distract her interlocutor and buy time to think about what to say. Damn, she had to give the woman credit, because that was exactly what she was doing in that moment.

To some extent she realized she was slightly pissed off he didn't even bothered to ask her before he declined the offer. Most of all, she was disappointed he didn't even try to talk her into going with him.

"I'm just the muse after all."

Her features turned into a well-practiced stone mask**,** but her voice couldn't quite mask her irritation and her comment came out a little bit harsher than intended.

Castle's head whipped towards her, all pretence of indifference now definitely gone. "What's that suppo-"

"Yo guys, I just ran a check on the vic's financials and..." only when Esposito raised his eyes from the paper in his hands he assessed the situation. "...nothing come out..." he trailed off, coming to an halt.

He looked to both Beckett and Castle who were obviously engaged in a silent quarrel. If looks could kill there would be two dead bodies right then and there, by the way they were fixed on each other.

"Is this a bad moment?" he asked cautiously.

They didn't even divert their eyes from drilling holes into each others face, as they answered simultaneously.

Beckett's "No." was fast and high pitched while Castle's "Yes." was low and menacing.

Blatantly ignoring the threat held in Castle's voice Esposito resumed talking.

"As I was saying," he started again extending the paper to Beckett, who took it finally ending the staring contest with Castle "I just ran a check on the vic's financials and nothing come out, except a disturbing obsessions with shoes."

"What kind of shoes?" Ryan joined them with another bunch of sheets.

"Manolo Blahnik, Gucci, Prada. " Beckett read. "Expensive stuff. Why?"

"Because according to her business partner things at work weren't so good."

"What kind of buisiness are we talking about?" Castle asked, now focused on the case.

"She was an interior designer." Ryan explained "Six months ago she had a dispute with a client, Anna Lisiel, who claimed the vic was in a relashionship with her husband. Apparently Miss Lisiel belongs to a powerful family and she swore to ruin her."

Beckett examined the file Ryan handed her. "It looks like she made good on her promise because since then her business is in free fall."

Castle snickered. "It's better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman." he quoted, gaining a scowl from Beckett.

"Letterman?" Ryan asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Dude, your ignorance is litteraly biblical." Esposito scolded while Castle and Beckett chuckled at his pun.

She approached her chair and reached for her leather jacket, putting it in on with a smooth and swift move.

"Where are you going?" Ryan asked.

"To interview the only suspect we have at the moment." She paused in her steps to the elevator, looking expectantly at Castle, who still hadn't moved from his position in front of the murderboard. "Are you coming, Castle?"

* * *

"Doctor Lisiel is with a patient at the moment. She will speak with you as soon as she's available." the secretary promised as Beckett showed her badge and asked to speak with her employer. "Please take a seat in the waiting room at the end of the hallway, it won't take more then a couple of minutes."

Beckett thanked the woman and turned to find Castle busy examining a framed picture. It was one of those inkblot pictures used in psychological tests, the ones in which the therapist can outline the patient's personality depending on what he sees in it.

"She'll talk with us as soon as she's free." she informed Castle, reaching his side.

"Hu, hu." he mumbled.

His gaze was still fixed on the inkblot, so she turned to it too. She wondered what Castle could see in it, because as much as she tried to give it a shape, it remained... well, it remained just a blot.

"What do you see in it?"

He seemed to ponder her question. "Two bunnies facing each other." he replied at last.

"Two bunnies?" Beckett arched an eyebrow skeptically. "Really?"

She eyed the bolt skeptically once again, then she headed for the room the secretary showed them too. It was small, but painted and furnished with warm colors, surely a trick to make the patients feel at ease. On the far wall stood out the same framed poster Castle had behind his desk in his office.

"Seems like you have something in common." she snickered hearing Castle's footsteps coming closer.

"Actually," Castle indicated to the photograph, smiling fondly at the memory "Alexis picked it for me."

He sat on the leather couch and Beckett in the armchair in front of him. She said nothing, just kept on looking at him waiting for his story to continue.

"When Gina and I divorced, she became overprotective towards me. Movies, chinese, baseball games... she never left my side for weeks." he chuckled and Beckett smiled softly. Alexis was really one sweet girl.

"How old was she?"

"About ten." he smiled. "One night, we were attending a display of contemporary art in Chelsea. She saw it and was fascinated instantly."

"It's kind of mesmerizing." Beckett agreed.

"It is, but that's not why she lik-"

The door beside the picture sprang open and a beautiful woman entered the room.

"Miss Lisiel, I presume." Castle guessed.

The woman's piercing hazel eyes focused immediately on him. "Please, call me Anna, detective."

"Actually, *I* am the police." Beckett pointed out annoyed, showing her badge once again. "I'm detective Beckett, this is Richard Castle."

The two women shook hands and Castle couldn't help but notice that for the briefest moment they sized each other up. Then Anna smiled and the moment was gone.

Anna offered her hand to Castle, raising an eyebrow "Richard Castle the novelist?"

"That's me." he replied flattered on being recognized. "I assist the police in the investigations to gather material for my books."

The brunette smiled warmly. "I see now why your books are so good. Please come in." she said, as she led the way into her office.

Miss Lisiel was in her late thirties, her dark hair wascut short but that didn't endangered in any way her femininity. She wore a simple sleeveless gray dress which hugged her slim body perfectly. Not sophisticated, yet elegant.

"From the temper I expected a redhead." Castle whispered to Beckett, but he instantly sobered as he met her threatening gaze. Anna, oblivious to their exchange, motioned for them to take a seat on the sofa while she sat in the armchair in front of them, crossing her legs with grace.

"Miss Lisiel," Beckett started "we would like to ask you some questions about Karen Swenson."

"I heard about the murder in the news." she nodded. "I was expecting your visit."

"How did you two meet?" asked Castle.

"We hired her to redecorate our summer estate in the Hamptons."

"We?"

"My husband and I." Castle saw Anna falter slightly. "Ex-husband." he heard her rectify in a tight voice.

"Carter Mason." Beckett supplied, and Anna nodded again. "This occured approximately a year ago, am I correct?"

"Yes."

"What happened next?"

Anna's eyes glazed and focused somewhere over the detective's shoulder. "It was the week-end before the 4th of July, Carter was supposed to be in Los Angeles for business, so I went to the house to survey the work." she paused "I found them toasting cosily on the sofa."

"I'm sorry." Beckett said honestly.

"I filed for divorce within a week and vowed to make her pay for ruining my marriage." Anna looked straight at Beckett. "That's why you are here, I suppose."

Beckett didn't reply, she just opened the folder she brought with her her and handed Anna a picture.

"That's how Karen was supposed to pay?" she asked pointing to the photo of Karen's dead body as they had found it in Central Park.

Anna's eyes widened slightly as she looked at the picture. "Do I need a lawyer, Detective?" she asked warily, returning the picture.

"You tell me."

"'Dirty girl is an appropriate way to describe an homewrecker." pointed out Castle.

"Maybe in one of your books, Mr. Castle, that could have been the proper ending. However, in real life, disgrace is worse than death to a lot of people." She stood up, lowering her dress on her knees in one swift move. "Now, if you have no more questions, a patient is waiting for me."

Beckett stood from the sofa, her eyes unwavering as they raised to match Anna's level. "Where were you Wednesday night between 8 and 11 pm, Miss Lisiel?"

"I was here, working late. The night doorman surely saw me enter. His name is Fletcher Morris."

"We'll check." Beckett assured. "Thanks for your time."

* * *

"You think it's her?" Castle asked as they entered the bullpen.

Beckett snorted. "She's a wolf in sheep's clothing."

"That doesn't mean she's a murderer."

Shrugging off her brown leather jacket, Beckett turned to him warily. "Who's side are you, Castle?"

He shrugged as he plopped into his chair. "I'll settle for the truth."

"Well the truth is, she's still hurting from what happened." She waved to Ryan, who was sitting at his desk, speaking on the phone. "Don't underestimate a wounded woman." she smirked. "Ever."

"I never underestimated women. Period. Especially the ones who pack heat."

Kate's lips twitched at the corners of her mouth. "Or hundcuffs." she murmured, her voice low enough that the boys couldn't hear her.

She knew exactly when said whisper reached Castle's ears, cause his eyes widened. "Katherine Beckett, you're such a tease." he scolded.

She smiled in delight at his outraged expression. "And you love it."

As the words left her mouth, Beckett immediately wished she could swallow them back down. She sensed the change in the mood even before his eyes turned warm.

"I do." His voice was soft and almost sad.

Beckett chewed on her cheek and looked down, not really knowing what to say. "Castle, I-"

"Hey boss, what is it?" Ryan asked, oblivious to interrupt the awkward moment.

_Oh come on! What is with the boys today? _thought Castle frustrated as he saw Beckett reaching in her pants pocket for her notepad, open it and rip a page from it, handing the piece of paper to Ryan. "I need for you to check this name and see if Anna Lisiel alibies out." she instructed him.

Ryan took the note and started back to his desk. "Oh, and Ryan, see if you can find where the money on Karen's account come from."

"I'm working on it right now." Esposito said from his desk. When Ryan was back at his computer Esposito silently rolled his chair close to his pal's and slapped him on the head, just hard enough for him to flinch. He then rolled back to his desk, pleased no one noticed, leaving a dumbfounded Ryan to rub his abused head.

Beckett didn't pay attention because she was otherwise distracted by Castle fidgeting in his chair. "What is it, Castle?" she asked annoyed arching a perfect eyebrow.

He smile apologetically. "Nature calls."

"Really."

"Yeah, mother made me drink one of her disgusting draining beverages last night. I guess they work." he said sheepishly. "Excuse me."

Her lips twitched upwards when she was sure Castle couldn't see her anymore. Lost in thought she entirely missed the silent glances between Ryan and Esposito. She didn't even noticed when Esposito got up from his chair and headed the same direction Castle had just a few moments before.

* * *

**A/N:** and this chapter's guest star is... Morena Baccarin as Anna Lisiel! :)

As always thanks for every single alert or review this chapter will get, hope you'll have fun reading it!

See you next chapter!


	8. Hung Up

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.

**A/N:** Hey guys, hope you're ok! I know, I'm slow to update but the more complex the story become, the more diffucult is for me to write it. Until now I've written straight in english but I'm currently wondering if the trick "write-in-my-own-language-then-translate-in-english" could make me write faster... So be patient with me! ;)

As always, I'd like to thank all of you readers and reviewers, with a special thanks to those who review several weeks after I last updated. Maybe you don't know it, but you all are a great inspiration to me!

SammySpie, as always you're wonderful and your work is precious!

* * *

_**Chapter 8: HUNG UP**_

Castle approached the closest urinal, feeling like his bladder was going to explode if he didn't relieve himself soon. Cursing his mother slightly he unzipped his pants and was going to take matters in hand, so to speak, as the bathroom door swung open and Esposito entered, forcing him to correct his stance in order to maintain some privacy as the detective chose the urinal next to him.

There was something very intimidating about relieving oneself while standing next to another man, so urinals rule number one was to never ever choose an urinal next to one already occupied by another guy.

Obviously Esposito knew nothing about this unspoken etiquette since he broke rule number two straight away after the one. He sniffed loudly than necessary, casted a quick glance in his direction and proceeded to unzip his own pants with a slowness that did nothing to ease Castle's discomfort.

He squirmed uncomfortably, wishing his bladder wasn't as full as it unfortunately seemed. When Esposito cleared his voice Castle knew he was about to break the last rule.

Don't stay too close, don't peek and last, but not least, don't talk.

"So..." Esposito casually started. Thank God at least this time he was looking straight forward, focused on a tile apparently more interesting than the Super Bowl itself.

"So..." Castle replied just as casually, carefully zipping closed his pants in order to avoid any unpleasant damage.

"Beckett told us about your upcoming movie tour."

Well, he should have seen it coming.

Both Esposito and Ryan had always been very protective towards Beckett, they thought of her as a little sister. They were often eager to share with him juicy gossip about her and sure, they never miss the opportunity to tease her, but when it came to serious stuff Castle knew they'd do anything not to see her hurt in any way.

So Castle knew exactly what Javier's words really meant. Disguised as polite small talk, it was crystal clear he was asking him what the hell he was doing.

He cautiously approached the sink to wash his hands. "I'm sorry, I should have told you myself."

"We understand you had to tell Beckett first." Esposito conceded, finishing his own business and joining Castle to the sink.

"What did she tell you?"

"Nothing more than strictly necessary." Esposito explained, glancing at Castle through the mirror. "You're leaving, you won't be back."

Castle said nothing. He left the tap open for his friend and stood in front of the wall, his hands outstretched under the hot blow of the hand-dryer machine.

When both the loud blow of air stopped and the water ceased flowing, the silence grew heavy in the room. It was Esposito who spoke first.

"You're breaking her heart, ya know?"

Had Esposito ripped open his chest and squeezed his heart tight in his fist, Castle wouldn't have felt as much pain as he was feeling at the moment.

"It was never my intention." he replied.

Esposito nodded in understanding and went quiet for a moment, then he went around Castle and dried his own hands with a couple of paper tissue he took from the dispenser on the wall.

"You know," he spoke again, turning to face him once he was done with his hands "last summer when you left for the Hamptons with Gina she was miserable."

_She was miserable? *SHE* was miserable?_

He almost stalked her for two days, offering every alluring thing he could think of to convince her to join him, and yet she coudn't even be honest with him about seeing Demming. So, if Esposito was trying to piss him off with all this _poor Beckett_ crap, he was doing a damn good job.

"I asked her to come with me, she declined. What was I-"

"She chose you."

"...supposed to-..." he faltered. "Excuse me, what did you just say?" Castle hissed under his breath.

"I said she chose you over Demming." Esposito repeated slower as he was speaking to a child. "She was about to tell you when Gina showed up."

The look of confusion on Castle's face was all that Esposito needed to know he hit a nerve. Big time.

"She... she never told me that." Castle said almost babbling.

Esposito shrugged. "That doesn't make it any less true, bro."

Castle really tried to replay with some witty line, but when opened his mouth to speak he realized he didn't know what to say. Abruptly his eyes glazed over and his features hardened as uncertainty left place to anger.

"Doesn't matter. She's with Josh now."

"Exactly." snickered Esposito "Don't you see a pattern here?"

"What I see is not important."

"No, but what you feel is, man." Esposito crossed his arms over his chest watching emotions once again struggle on his friend's face. "What are you going to do, uh? Find an hot chick and fool yourself you don't feel anything for Beckett?"

"Maybe that's exactly what I should do." That didn't come out cocky, just plain sad.

"Don't be a fool, dude. What you two got is something different from what she has with Josh." Castle threw him a _'you don't tell!' _look, but Esposito just ignored him and came closer, poking him lightly in the chest to punctuate his words. "You two have the spark, bro."

Castle raised an eyebrow. "You know, Esposito, you sound suspiciosly like Lanie."

The detective shrugged, a smirk appearing on his face. "We might have discussed this once or twice."

Yeah, sure. Once or twice.

"What I'm trying to say here is don't give up on her."

"It's not that simple, Esposito."

"Then make it."

Rick pressed his hands into his eye sockets, growling. "That woman will be the death of me."

"That if I don't kill you sooner, man." Esposito grinned and patted him on the shoulder a little too hard to be considered friendly.

Castle immediately straightened his back and looked worried to him who was already halfway out of the door.

"Bully." he muttered, but promptly followed Esposito back to the bull pen.

* * *

"I understand. Thanks for your help, sir." Ryan hung up the phone and looked across his shoulder at his partner. "Anna Liesel alibies out. Just spoke with her doorman and he confirmed she worked late the night of the murder."

He leaned back in his chair and looked defeated at the papers sprawled all over his desk. His watch said it was ten to noon and still they had nothing. Their main suspect had just alibied out and Beckett had called no more than five minutes before to inform them that her visit with Castle at Carter Mason's house had been pointless since he wasn't home and his neighbours hadn't seen him in days.

"Emily..." detective Messina's loud pleading on the phone a few desks away caught his attention. "I'm at work, we'll discuss about it tonight!" he nearly shouted, hanging up on his wife loud enough to make a few other heads turn in the bullpen.

Wordlessly he shifted his gaze from the tense Messina to Esposito, who stood up and approached the board. He took Anna's picture from the suspect's column and placed it in another part of the board. He then picked up the marker and wrote something under the picture.

Ryan walked to him and leaned against Beckett's desk crossing his arms over his chest, staring thoughtfully at the murderboard. His partner joined him, mirroring his position. After a couple of minutes of contemplation, Ryan broke the silence. "Maybe we are missing something."

A loud crash made them jump and suddenly turn to the source of said noise. Esposito was quick to return his attention back to Ryan once he assessed nothing serious had happened. "What?" he asked.

"Her calls."

He frowned confused. "The vic's phone has already been examined. If you think they missed something-"

"No, I mean Beckett's calls."

The first reaction from Esposito was a disapproving scowl, which turned into a perplexed frown as he further mulled over Ryan's words. "What about them?"

"Today she declined at least three calls. Since she surely doesn't decline work calls, I can count only two people that could piss her off enough for her to not answer her phone."

Esposito nodded with his head, indicating he was following his reasoning. "And Castle was with her all day."

"Exactly."

"So you think she was trying to avoid Josh?"

"Maybe." Ryan shrugged. "How did it go with Castle?"

Esposito grinned mischievously, throwing the marker still in his hand on his boss' desk. "He has it bad, bro. You should have seen the face he made when-"

The ding of the elevator and the loud resounding of Beckett's heels on the floor stopped any further gossiping.

The two detectives watched from the distance the duo approaching them. They walked at a reasonably safe distance aside for the fact that Castle's hand was discreetly placed at the small of Kate's back, carefully guiding her to avoid the mess detective Messina made when his coffee cup hit the floor only moments before.

"Anything new?" Ryan inquired when they were close enough.

"Nope. Carter wasn't home and his landlord said he hasn't showed up in two weeks." Beckett explained.

"Visiting his brother in Maryland, he said." Castle added.

All four remained quiet for a while, searching the murderboard for something they could have missed.

Kate was the first to break the silence. "Since Anna alibied out, Carter is our only suspect at the moment. Espo," she called, turning to the hispanic detective "get a search warrant for his loft, asap." Beckett turned to the other detective. "Ryan, send some uniforms to his brother's house in Maryland if he really has one."

"On it, boss." they said almost at the same time before heading to their respective desks.

Beckett shook off her jacket and sat in her chair opening her pad to go over her notes once more.

* * *

It was about ten minutes later when she cast a glance to her partener, sitting in his usual chair but unusually quiet. He seemed to brood over something.

She leaned back in her chair and crossed her hands in her lap. "I can hear you thinking."

Castle looked up startled to see her smiling softly at him. "Sorry."

"Something you want to share with the class?"

He shook his head softly as indicating it wasn't something really important. "Random thoughts about tomorrow night."

She raised an eyebrow. "Random thoughts?"

"Yeah. You know," he shrugged "the usual things. Will we raise enough money? Will the food be good?"

She knew that wasn't what was really bothering him, but she couldn't suppress the grin that appeared on her face as his whining tone of voice punctuated each 'concerns', together with a raised finger on his right hand as he went on. "What will my mother say to embarass me? How revealing will be Beckett's dress?"

She captured her lower lip with her teeth to stop the remark on the tip of her tongue. _Inappropriate_, her mind was screaming.

So she opted for a far less dangerous "That must be stressful." that earned her a grin of his own nonetheless.

God, it was good to see him smile and she hated how her insides could turn upside down every time he did.

She cleared her voice and forced herself to drop Castle's gaze and go back to the files. She had a job to do, a murderer to catch. She couldn't waste time admiring something which soon would be taken away from her.

Less than a couple of minutes later though, Castle was interrupting her.

"Beckett?" he called, and his voice was nothing like before. It was tight and unsure.

She looked up when she heard him shift in the chair. Even if he was trying to conceal it by crossing his legs, his posture was now stiff and tense. "Can I ask you something?"

Suddenly she felt inexplicably nervous. "Shoot."

He seemed to ponder for a moment the best way to ask her what he was about to. "Have you ever considered there's a chance we may be in the same room with him tomorrow?"

Kate didn't need to ask, she knew who he was refferring to. The man who had her mother killed.

He was a powerful man, that was the only thing they knew for sure about him. Powerful and rich. So yes, that was a thought that crossed her mind too. He could come, make a donation or even be bold enough to speak to her, a twisted way to prove to himself he had the upper hand on them.

"Yeah." she straightened in the chair. "I have."

Castle waited for her to articulate her reply, but she didn't.

"Do you think we should increase the surveillance?"

She shook her head no. "Tomorrow is a celebration, not an investigation. Beside, he won't try anything that could put at risk his facade." She could see he was genuinely concerned and not at all convinced, so she reached out to cover his hand on the desk and squeezed softly to reassure him. "Don't worry, Castle, everything will be fine."

He held her gaze and nodded, interlacing his fingers with hers and squeezing softly back.

"Oh, and Castle?"

"Uh?"

Never adverting her eyes from his, she rose from her seat, her right hand still intertwined with his. She dropped her gaze only as she leaned forward reaching with her left the farthest armchair, her face disappearing somewhere near his left ear, effectively trapping him in his chair.

When she spoke, it was barely a whisper. "To answer your previous question..."

He gulped comically and she stifled a chuckle. "A lot." she purred in his ear.

And suddenly she was gone, leaving Castle with his mouth gaping like a goldfish, unable to do anything except furiously trying to force air back into his lungs.

"Come on Castle," she smirked, all the while putting her jacket on "It's lunchtime and I'm suddenly hungry."

She turned her back to him and headed for the elevator, adding more swaying than necessary to her hips. When she passed the boys' desks she could swear she heard Ryan quietly snickering to Esposito "She has it bad too."


	9. Cherish Part I

Previously on _**Stairways to Perception**_:

_After the events of Setup/Countdown, Castle can't cope with the idea of having almost lost Beckett and decide to quit shadowing her. When she finds out, she confronts him and as emotions run high they share a passionate kiss. She obviously freaks out and, tired of chasing her, Castle decides to join the Nikki Heat movie cast leaving for a promo tour in two month. _

_Meanwhile a body drops and every lead seems useless. Anna Lisiel, the main suspect, alibies out and our favorite detectives are currently searching for her ex-husband Carter Mason who is nowhere to be seen._

_As the fundraiser night looms, Lanie and the boys are otherwise occupied in talking some sense into our dinamic duo, still on edge after Castle's decision to quit._

* * *

_Chapter 9: _**Cherish (Part I)**

She wasn't sure how long she had been standing outside his door, pondering if showing up at this hour would be such a good idea. When she left her apartment fifteen minutes ago she had thought so, but now as she raised her hand to knock she mentally listed all the reasons why she shouldn't have come. Not mentioning that it was - she rotated her wrist to glance at her watch - almost 3:30 in the morning and he might already be sound asleep.

When she swallowed in the stillness of the hallway the sound which followed was louder then expected to her own ears. Kate sighed and looked down at the small box she was holding tightly to her chest only a few moments before.

She deserved this.

Damn it, *they* deserved this.

Her resolution strengthened once again, she did what Lanie had suggested her the day before.

She jumped.

* * *

_6 hour earlier..._

She hated being nervous. She really had no reason to be. Or at least this was what she had repeatedly told herself for the whole last hour. The simple fact that she was riding in a limo didn't help, but Castle had insisted pointing out that she was the host of the event and couldn't show up in a taxi.

The door to her right suddenly opened and her date promptly offered his hand to help her get off the limo.

"You're beautiful tonight." he said kissing her cheek lightly when she rose at face level with him.

Kate smiled her thanks, adjusting his bow tie for the umpteenth time since they left her apartment. He was really handsome tonight in his dark suit and his eyes were shining in a way she hadn't seen in a long time.

She had missed him and she was glad he could make it tonight. They definitely needed to spend more time together, and this was the perfect occasion.

"Honey, relax. You're as tense as a violin string." the man smiled reassuringly, offering his right arm to her.

"I'm not tense, dad." she objected, though she took it a little too eagerly, suddenly very grateful to her father for giving her something to do with at least one of her hands.

"You could have fooled me." Jim Beckett chuckled lightly, patting sympathetically with his left the hand his daughter has tightened around the crook of his elbow.

At the entrance a large bald man checked their names on the guest list and once founded motioned for them to follow one Jacob to the hall.

Jacob was a tall young boy with a gentle smile. "Please, this way." he instructed, so they followed him.

They walked side by side down a well-lit hallway, the main hall entrance was visible at the end of it. Soft music was playing in the background and Kate could vaguely remember earlier that morning Castle mentioning something about a live band.

Kate casted a glance at her father under her eyelashes, the detective in her made a quick investigation. Nothing, from his posture to his facial expression, gave away signs of uneasiness. She couldn't help but notice that if he was nervous he was doing a better job at hiding it than she had so far.

Jacob stopped at the doorway producing a single white lily from behind his back, where he was hiding it she didn't know.

"For you, Ms. Beckett." he offered with a smile and wished them an enjoyable night before leaving.

"Cherries?" Jim asked puzzled as a strong scent of cherries assaulted her own nostrils.

Kate raised the flower to her nose and inhaled deeply. Yep, it was definitely scent of cherries, but it was not the lily per se.

"It's the bow." A large pink bow tied to the stem.

She grinned as she recognized Castle's unique and intimate way to welcome her.

"Impressive." Her father chuckled, and she wasn't sure if he was referring to the bizarre flower in her hand or the silly smile still plastered on her face.

Maybe he was referring to the room they had just entered, for nice could have hardly described it.

It was octagonal in shape, bathed in a soft light which enhanced the warm colors all around. Each one of the light orange walls was interrupted by windows in groups of three, framed by dark red and gold velvet drapes. Right in front of the entrance where they stood, the only wall with no windows opened on a large balcony, dimly lit and adorned with beautiful floral compositions which colors recalled the drapes'.

"Beautiful indeed." She murmured, captivated by the beauty of their surroundings.

"You know, I'm looking forward to meet your friend, Castle."

"Hmm."

"The way you talk about him," Jim continued "he must be a good man. Besides, the effort he put into organizing all of this, says a lot."

To that Kate raised an eyebrow. "Says what, exactly?"

A squeak from somewhere in front of them cut short their exchange but Kate couldn't help a big smile to appear on her face as she identified the source of the offending noise. A woman was making her way towards them, her smile bright and her hands outstretched, ready to pull the detective in for a bear hug.

"Oh Kate, darling!" Martha beamed, embracing her with her usual enthusiasm. She never let go of Kate's hands as she leaned back to give her a rapid once-over. "Oh my," she said in a low voice, winking mischievously "You look stunning tonight!"

Kate smiled broadly. "Thanks Martha, you look fabulous too."

Jim Beckett witnessed their exchange with undisguised interest. He knew his daughter had never been a very touchy-feely person, but he saw no awkwardness in the way she had hugged this woman back. Almost like the way she used to hug Johanna. Almost like a mother.

"Martha," Kate said, bringing him back from his musings "this is my father Jim. Dad, she's Martha Rodgers, Castle's mother."

Jim smiled politely and extended his hand. "Mrs. Rodgers, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Oh please, call me Martha." she corrected, shaking his hand. "Kate told us you should have been out of town for work this weekend. I'm so glad you could make it."

"Yeah, I had to ask for a few favors but I could have never missed this night." Jim shared a smile with Kate. "My flight will leave early in the morning though, so I'm afraid I'll have to do an early exit."

While Martha and Jim were making conversation, Kate looked around expectantly but Castle was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Castle?"

"Last time I saw him," the older woman answered, inspecting the crowd as well "he was making sure Alexis' boyfriend knew the room was full of cops in plain clothes."

They all busted out laughing, but Kate's smile sobered way before the others as the crowd opened on their left and their eyes locked. Castle was standing near a window with a group of people Beckett immediately recognized as his writers poker buddies. Even from the distance she could tell he wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying as he was intently focused on her, and probably was even before she noticed him. When he smiled at her she could do nothing but smile back.

How sappy. She mentally slapped herself for being such girl.

She saw Castle excusing himself and making his way toward them. She followed him with her eyes until he stood right behind Martha.

"If this woman is bothering you, she's not my mother."

"Richard!" Martha almost jumped in surprise.

Jim chuckled. "On the contrary, son. She's pleasurable company."

"Well, in this case I'm her beloved child." Castle grinned, circling Martha's shoulders with his left as he pecked her cheek gracefully. "You must be Mr. Beckett."

Jim nodded. "You're exactly as Katie described you." he smiled as they friendly shook hands.

"Really." With a gleam in his eyes Castle turned briefly to Beckett, and then something seemed to have struck him and turned back quickly to Jim. "Should I be flattered or worried, sir?"

"Oh trust me, son, you have *nothing* to worry about."

The answer seemed to satisfy him as he relaxed with a goofy grin.

"Jim," Martha said, grabbing his arm and steering him to where Alexis was chatting together with Ashley with an old lady. "I'd like for you to meet my granddaughter."

As they walked away, Castle and Beckett watched them with amusement.

"It will be my pleasure, Martha. Kate told me Alexis is a brilliant and loving child." they heard Jim's fading voice say.

"They're cute." Castle observed with a smile when both their parents were out of earshot. As soon as Beckett raised an eyebrow skeptically his smile dropped immediately. "*Oh*. Not so cute." he clarified.

Kate chuckled, and then couldn't prevent herself from voicing what she had thought from the first time she laid eyes on him minutes before. "You look good in a tuxedo, Castle."

"You look good too. Not in a tuxedo, I mean... You're..." he paused as if to search for the right word. "...dazzling."

"So I assume my dress live up to your expectations." she teased.

His gaze traveled down her body, not too slow to feel uncomfortable but not as fast as being considered friendly.

She was wearing a black sleeveless gown which hugged her curves in all the right places. Nothing too revealing since the front was cut high above her breasts, but the high slit on the right side more than compensated for it.

"It sure does." The girl had legs and she knew it.

She had pulled back her hair into a swirling bun with loose wisps of hair on the sides, so the kissable column of her long neck was totally exposed. From it was hanging a thin golden necklace, long enough for the ring attached to it to rest just above her heart.

When his journey up her body ended their gazes locked again. She was silently waiting for his thorough examination to end, her eyes dark and unreadable as she was intently focused on watching him watching her.

"The lily." She lowered her gaze at last, gently caressing the flower with the pads of her fingers. "Interesting choice."

Actually the single white lily hadn't been his first choice. That was Alexis' idea. Sort of.

* * *

_"Thanks Simon, I know I'm in good hands with you."_

_Castle hung up and turned to see Alexis at the door fixing him with a reproachful glance. _

_"Was that Simon, as in Simon the flower guy?"_

_Castle nodded, not quite grasping why she was asking._

_"Really, dad." she scolded, coming closer. "A bouquet of red roses?"_

_"What? Roses are nice flowers."_

_"They are." she nodded pensive, crossing her arms on her chest and leaning on his desk beside him. "Are you planning on adding a card to the flowers? Some sugary chocolate phrase on it?"_

_"Yeah, that was the idea" he narrowed his eyes, "Don't you think she'll like it?"_

_Alexis shrugged. "I guess she'll like it. I wouldn't vouch for her boyfriend, though."_

_Alexis must have seen Castle's face fall miserably, for she immediately came to his rescue. "Dad, she's Beckett. You should think of something less cliché. Something only she could relate to you."_

_Alexis smiled when she saw her father's eyes rise again with excitement. Obviously his mind was already working on her words. She bent over and dropped a kiss to his cheek before heading for the door. _

_"Remember, dad." she said, turning back briefly. "Codeword: A.N.O.N.Y.M.I.T.Y."_

_She was out of the room in the blink of an eye, even before he realized he hadn't thanked her. _

_"Best daughter ever!" he yelled, hoping she could still hear him over her steps up the stairs. _

_Her giggle confirmed she did._

* * *

He shrugged. "It suited you just fine. Sophisticated yet simple. Delicate yet strong. It symbolizes a kind and proud spirit."

"It also stands for pureness and chastity." Kate pursed her lips, leaning slightly toward him as if to sharing a secret. "You know I'm not a virgin, don't you?"

Her low and husky whisper sent tingles down his spine and the grin slowly spreading across her face told him this was her way to get him back for his previous endless perusal.

A waiter approached them with a tray of full glasses. "Champagne?" he asked.

At her nod Castle reached for two flutes, offering one to her.

"Thanks."

He raised his glass. "To the legacies."

"To the legacies." she repeated slowly, her glass clinking against his.

They took a couple of sips sharing a content silence, just enjoying each other's company.

A sick curiosity was eating Castle inside, though. There was something he was dying to ask since she saw her enter the room with her father a while ago. He simply had to know.

"Where's Josh?"

Kate seemed unfazed by his question as she answered dismissively after another sip at her champagne. "Busy."

Actually she hadn't heard from Josh since their fight. Well, that wasn't entirely truth. He had tried to call her several times but she had shamelessly avoided him by refusing his calls. She needed time to think.

Castle was obviously waiting for her to articulate her answer which she had no intention to. So she changed the subject.

"Are Lanie and the guys already here?"

"Yep, over there. They were asking for you."

"Lead the way." Kate smiled and hooked her hand on his forearm, feeling his biceps spring under her fingertips as he flexed his arm to anchor her body to his side.

They were moving toward their friends as they reached a bottleneck in the crowd. They split as there was no way they could fit together in the tight passage and Rick gallantly motioned for her to go ahead. She smiled and moved forward as he was taking another sip at his champagne.

She didn't turn when she heard Castle behind her spit take and start coughing convulsively. He must have finally noticed the back of her dress.

More exactly, the lack of it.

_...to be continued!_

* * *

**A/N: **I have to say I'm really satisfied with this chapter, just fun and no drama for once! Besides, there will be plenty of it soon, I can assure you! Oh, and Martha is the funniest character to write about, I really, really love her!

Just saw the promo for _47 Seconds_ - OMG, poor Castle, what an awful way to find out!

Oh, one last thing! Beckett's dress and hairstyle I imagined for the evening turned out to be not so different from the promo pictures of _The Limey, _so it was kind of funny to see Kate almost as I pictured her in my mind!

**SammySpie **thanks again for your work as beta-reader. I'm so happy you liked this chapter! :)

**bones35:** as you can see I immediately picked up on your suggestion, thanks for it! :) You think I should always recap the entire story or just the previous chapter?

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.


	10. Cherish Part II

**A/N: **It's been an awful lot of time since I last updated this story, and I'm truly sorry for it, but my life lately has been quite consuming for reasons I won't annoy you with.

However, I want you to know that even if I can't guarantee fast updates, I definitely didn't drop this project. And to prove my good faith here it is a new chapter. Consider it my Valentine's day gift to you. :)

From now on, chapters will go unbetaed, since it's simpler and faster for me this way. This means you surely will find mistakes, but I truly hope they won't bother you so much to make you stop reading this story.

* * *

_Chapter 10:_ **Cherish (Part II)**

Previously on _**Stairways to Perception**_:

_They were moving toward their friends as they reached a bottleneck in the crowd. They split as there was no way they could fit together in the tight passage and Rick gallantly motioned for her to go ahead. She smiled and moved forward as he was taking another sip at his champagne._

_She didn't turn when she heard Castle behind her spit take and start coughing convulsively. He must have finally noticed the back of her dress. _

_More exactly, the lack of it._

* * *

Kate was observing them from the distance, somehow fascinated by their smooth interaction. If she didn't know better she would have thought that was not the first time Castle and her father had met. She was too far away to hear what they were saying, but their relaxed stance and the soft smiles on both their faces told her they were having a pleasant conversation.

Not that she was surprised. Castle was quite the charmer, and not only with the ladies.

"They get along pretty well." She hadn't been aware of Lanie coming closer.

Kate agreed without adverting her eyes from the pair. "So it seems."

Lanie studied her silently for some moments. "Does it bother you?"

"Excuse me?"

"Don't give me that bewildered look, honey. You're fixing them for minutes now."

"I'm not fixing them, Lanie."

"Hm." Lanie pursed her lips unconvinced, her eyes on the two men as well. "Maybe your men are sharing embarrassing details about you."

Kate made a face. "Castle is not my man."

That earned Beckett a snort. "Then maybe you should stop staring before the whole room thinks you are a crazy stalker."

Kate chuckled. "I'm just glad my dad is having a good time."

"And it doesn't hurt that he seems to like Castle too, uh?"

The corners of Kate's lips curved into an almost imperceptible smile. Yeah, it was an added bonus.

"I hate asking you this, Kate, but where is Josh?"

Beckett was expecting her question. She sighed and turned to Lanie. "I don't know."

As her friend mutely asked to elaborate she further explained. "I haven't spoke with him in a few days."

"How so?"

"It's complicated."

"So you keep saying." Lanie teased.

"Last time we spoke we fought and-" Kate started, but Martha's shrilling voice stopped whatever she was going to say.

"Have you seen Richard, young ladies?" the older woman asked, slipping easily between the two of them.

"He's over there, on the left side of the podium." Kate answered, pointing in his direction.

Martha followed with her eyes Kate's indication to discover her son with Jim Beckett. The older woman smiled and Kate noticed she seemed pleased too.

"Where were you hiding your father all this time, kiddo?"

Kate laughed. "I'm glad you like him, Martha."

A blond approached the two men. Kate couldn't see her face since from where she stood all she could see was her back, but she immediately recognize the woman.

"Guess Gina has eventually found him without my help." Martha observed with poor enthusiasm as Paula joined the group.

The three women kept on looking as Castle, always the gentleman, introduced both the women to Jim and Kate couldn't help but wonder if Gina was introduced as his editor or as his ex-wife/former girlfriend.

"Paula asked Richard to give a little speech to thanks the guests and encourage further donations." explained Martha.

Apparently Castle was explaining the same thing to her father. Jim smiled warmly and patted the younger man on the shoulder in what was obviously a_ see you later_ gesture. Moving smoothly through the crowd Jim reached his daughter's side as Castle made his way toward the podium.

Kate felt her father leaning into her. "Three is a crowd, honey." he whispered in her ear, low enough to be sure that no one else could hear.

For a moment Kate seriously considered the option of playing dumb with her father, given the fact that Martha and Lanie were just behind them. She casted a nervous glance in their direction, but they seemed oblivious to their exchange.

"Dad, it's not like that." she murmured "Castle is just a friend."

Her father nodded and for a blissful moment Kate thought he had just dropped the subject.

"Is that his choice or yours?"

Jim saw a flash of panic in his daughter's eyes just as her mouth opened a few times in the vain attempt of forming an answer. Just then from the podium Castle tapped slightly on the microphone as Gina handed him a piece of paper. He barely casted a glance at it, then folded and put it in his pocket, deliberately ignoring Gina's blazing eyes.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen." he addressed the crowd with a charming smile and Kate was suddenly very grateful for the distraction his speech was providing.

"First of all I want to express my gratitude to each one of you for joining us here tonight." he paused and his expression sobered. "As most of you know, I spent the last three years shadowing the finest detectives of the NYPD. I witnessed first-hand their work, the passion and drive they put in it every single day, their relentless determination to unravel the truth and find justice for both the victims and their families. I witnessed that liars do not fear the truth if there are enough liars, but also that no lie can live forever because there are men and women of justice who fight for the truth.

He paused again, making sure to have the crowd's full attention. Kate looked around and noticed that all the people in the room were actually listening to him, almost as hypnotized by his warm and steady voice.

"As a lawyer, Johanna Beckett was one of them. She sacrificed her life for it."

Kate dropped her gaze for a split second, overwhelmed by a pang of sadness at his words. When she raised her eyes again, his blue concerned ones were boring into hers. She smiled softly and nodded for him to go on.

"I wish I could have met her, but unfortunately I never had the honor. However I'm a close friend to her family and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank her husband and daughter for the precious gift they gave us."

A few foots ahead of her Esposito clapped his hands loudly, promptly followed by Ryan and Jenny and in a few seconds a strong and loud applause filled the otherwise quiet room. Castle kept clapping his hands together while looking at her and Kate suddenly stilled, realizing that maybe he was waiting for her to join him.

A reassuring hand landed on her stiff shoulder. "Don't worry dear, he won't drag you up there." Martha said, almost as reading her thoughts.

"As you surely know," Castle started again "the purpose of this evening is to raise funds to provide a full ride for a student planning on dedicating their career to those in the legal system without a voice. So, ladies and gentlemen, if your heart shakes with indignation as mine does every time I witness an injustice, think of Johanna Beckett and all the men and women who fight everyday for us. Think that we are here tonight to protect not only ourselves, but our children and our loved ones too. Then I have no doubt you'll know what to do."

He smiled once again as Gina joined him on the stage. "Enjoy the evening." he concluded, leaving the microphone to his publisher.

The room was clapping for a second time, if possible even more enthusiastic than before. But all the noise seemed to fade away as Castle was smiling straight at her, and she found the words unwillingly leaving her mouth as she couldn't take her eyes off of him.

"Lines are blurred between us."

Her father said nothing, but somehow she knew he had heard her.

Suddenly, Castle's smile dropped and a cloud of sadness? anger? passed across his features as he looked away from her to fake interest in what Gina was saying.

She couldn't understand why all of the sudden he was avoiding her eyes like his life was depending on it. What the hell happened? He seemed so happy a moment ago.

Just when she was about to head in his direction she felt a strong hand on her shoulder effectively stopping her. She turned and instantly knew why Castle looked so upset.

"Josh, what are you doing here?"

* * *

**A/N: **ouch! So much caskett lately to make you forget old, good Josh?! Yeah, I know the feeling... :) btw, happy Castle day folks! Next updated will be sooner than the last one - cross my heart!

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.


	11. Cherish Part III

**A/N: **This goes unbetaed, so please forgive my mistakes - or point them out to me so I can correct them! ;)

**Disclaimer:** See part 1.

* * *

_Chapter 11:_ **Cherish (Part III)**

Previously on _**Stairways to Perception**_:

_What the hell happened? He was so happy a moment ago. She couldn't understand why all of the sudden he was avoiding her eyes like his life was depending on it._

_Just when she was about to head in his direction she felt a strong hand on her shoulder effectively stopping her. She turned and instantly knew why Castle looked so upset._

_"Josh, what are you doing here?"_

* * *

"I need to talk to you."

Three sets of eyes settled on Josh. "Can we go somewhere more private?"

She barely nodded and led him to the balcony, the only quiet place she could think of.

As they walked silently to the marble railing, side by side, Kate felt Josh stop just a few steps behind her. She didn't turn to face him though, she walked the remaining space and reached for the cold marble with her hands, placing both palms flat on its smooth surface. The noise from the saloon was dulled, still she could distinctly hear the voice of a woman she recognize as Gina's announcing that a first edition of Heat Wave signed by both the author and his muse would be offered to the highest bidder.

Kate could swear she heard Josh sigh almost imperceptibly to the word _muse_, but she didn't turn to confirm her suspect. Instead she kept her gaze on the beautiful garden in front of her, trying to gather the nerve to say what she had to in the most tactful way possible to her soon-to-be former boyfriend.

"Here." Josh said, covering her bare shoulders with his jacket.

It was a chilly night and she was dressed in almost nothing, so she accepted his offer without protests, finally turning to face him. "Thanks."

Josh passed his hand through his dark hairs in frustration. It was clear he had something to say and he was searching for the best way to pull it out.

"I came here to apologize." he sighed at last. "The other night I was way out of line, and I said horrible things to you. I'm sorry for that."

She nodded slightly. Her eyes never faltered when she replied.

"I never slept with him."

Josh sighed. "I believe you, but it doesn't even matter anymore."

She didn't know exactly why, but to her it mattered. She was feeling bad enough to have dragged Josh in this game she was playing with Castle, this neverending dance around each other. The fact that she never cheated on him was somehow important to her.

A couple of kisses, which by the way she never started - but willingly took part in, her treacherous mind supplied - couldn't count as cheating. Not when she had fought so hard the last few weeks not to take Castle on the closest plain surface available.

She had always found him attractive, but since that first kiss in the alley... She fooled herself the same way a thirsty woman does trying to convince herself that a sip of water could be enough. Because once you taste the water, you just want more and more until your need is sated.

"Look Kate, I..." Josh faltered, not quite sure how to proceed. "He's always been into you and I can't blame him for that." He put his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "I'm no stupid. You're gorgeous and no healthy heterosexual man in his right mind wouldn't want a piece of you."

She raised an eyebrow at his poor choice of words, but got the meaning anyway.

"I knew almost from the beginning you liked him too. Back then -" Kate tried to stop him then, to deny what they both knew was the actual truth or to apologize she didn't really know, but he motioned for her to let him continue so she kept quiet. "Back then I was arrogant enough to believe you could easily get over him. Hell," he laughed bitterly and passed his fingers through his hairs once again "until a few minutes ago I thought we could be fixed."

She eyed him curiously. "What made you change your mind?" she asked.

"The look of awe in your eyes during his speech a while ago. I realized you never looked at me the same way."

Kate lowered her eyes for a moment, ashamed. Josh was right. She used him as a warm body to curl into at the end of the day, because she couldn't bear to be alone just as much as she was afraid to be with Castle.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

He grimaced. "Still you had feelings for him all along."

She knew he was asking the reason why they even got together in the first place.

"I..." she sighed, "I guess I never realized how much he means to me."

She took off his jacket, and offered it back to him. "I think I was too scared to admit it."

"Aren't you scared anymore?"

Kate lowered her gaze and chuckled. "Oh no, I'm still terrified. But the things that happened to us lately..."

_Us_. She should have said _me_, not _us_. She was talking to Josh and not Lanie after all. Granted, he was proving himself to be sweet and understanding, so different from the jealous caveman he had been a few nights before, but still, how much was fair for him to know?

Looking at Josh again she could tell he didn't miss her slip of the tongue, but his expression was clear and almost concerned, no judgment or anger in his eyes. So she decided to be completely honest with him.

"I really thought I was going to die, Josh." Recalling the dread of those moments, she swore she could still distinctly feel Castle's arms around her in the icy freezer and see his mournful eyes boring into hers in front of that bomb.

"Right then and there I realize I don't want to go before he knows how much I -" she stopped, and her eyes widened slightly in realization. Had she really almost said that to Josh?

A quick look at him confirmed that what was left unsaid was indeed no secret, but they both knew she wasn't going to say it out loud.

Not now. Not in front of Josh.

"How much I rely on him, how much I cherish his presence in my life. How much I _need_ it. "

For a few moments Josh said nothing, he just kept studying her face, searching for doubts of regrets in her eyes. Something to hold on to. When he found nothing, he spoke.

"He's a lucky son of a bitch." he grinned.

Kate let out an unladylike snort and the tension between them was gone.

"I'm gonna miss you." Josh confessed at last, still smiling.

He reached a hand up to brush his fingers across her cheek and then carefully leaned in to place a chaste kiss on her lips. He could feel her body stiffen slightly but she didn't pull away, in fact her own arms closed behind his back when he pulled her into a hug.

Kate knew that she would miss Josh too. He was a great guy after all.

Just not the one she wanted.

* * *

"That's the doctor?" Jim asked, as Martha too was eying with undisguised interest the couple on the balcony.

The redhead turned to him, her eyes narrowing. "You tell me."

"Hardly, since I've never seen him before."

"You mean, you two never met?"

Jim shrugged. "She never introduced us. Actually, didn't even talk much about him. She just told me he had to work tonight, but I guess he managed to switch his shift after all."

They both stared in silence at the young couple for a while.

Jim broke the silence first. "She told me he's gonna quit."

Martha didn't need to ask to whom he was referring to. There was no accusation in Jim's voice, just genuine interest when he asked why.

She chuckled and waved her hands in the air dramatically "_Because what's worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?_".

He turned back to Martha, rising an eyebrow in the same fashion his daughter was used to. "Shakespeare?"

"James Patterson, actually. I love his books." then put her open hand next to her mouth as if she was trying to hide the movement of her lips from prying eyes. "But don't tell my son, it may wound his pride." she confessed whispering, at last.

Jim chuckled and nodded. However for quite obvious reasons he was sure Rick's pride at the moment wouldn't had given a damn about his mother little betrayal. The man was standing less than twenty feet from the balcony with his publisher and two other women engrossed in a conversation Jim could tell he wasn't really paying attention to. From time to time he could see the writer smile politely to feign interest in his guests, but he knew his undivided attention was directed on his daughter and her doctor.

But as Jim kept on looking at Castle with a small knowing smile on his lips, the younger man expression changed. He wasn't even trying to conceal his lack of interest for the women around him anymore as a deep frown marked his forehead. Suddenly his eyes looked everywhere except to the place they were fixed until mere seconds before and his posture became visibly rigid. Not to mention the set jaw and the fisted hand he quickly hid in his pants pocket.

Jim stole a glance in the direction of his daughter and sure enough she was kissing her boyfriend.

He turned in time to see Castle excusing himself, leaving his glass of champagne on the nearest waiter's tray and leaving the room.

Jim sighed. _What the hell are you doing Katie?_

* * *

**A/N: **Bye bye Josh! X)


	12. Love Profusion

**A/N:** Guys I'm so sorry, I know it's been ages since the last update but I rarely find time to write anymore. But every story needs a proper end and this one makes no exception. Just be patient and stick with me till the end.

_Chapter 12:_ **Love Profusion**

* * *

Previously on _**Stairways to Perception**_:

_But as Jim keep on looking at Castle with a small knowing smile on his lips, the younger man expression changed. He wasn't even trying to conceal his lack of interest for the women around him anymore as a deep frown marked his forehead. Suddenly his eyes looked everywhere except to the place they were fixed until mere seconds before and his posture became visibly rigid. Not to mention the set jaw and the fisted hand he quickly hid in his pants pocket._

_Jim stole a glance in the direction of his daughter and sure enough she was kissing her boyfriend._

_He turned in time to see a Castle excusing himself, leaving his glass of champagne on the nearest waiter's tray and leaving the room._

_Jim sighed. __What the hell are you doing Katie?_

* * *

Jim was standing in front of Johanna's framed picture, hands in his pocket. Her green eyes were sparkling back at him and she had this smirk on her face not too wide to be considered sassy but wide enough to be mischievous.

"She was beautiful."

Jim nodded to Kate without looking away from his wife's smiling face. "Among other things."

"You're a lot like your mother, you know." he said, briefly turning to her. "Smart, brave, driven."

He paused, raising an eyebrow for effect. "Sharp-tongued, stubborn, bossy."

Kate chuckled. She could vividly remember her father inevitably surrender to her mother every time they had an argument. "Yeah, that too."

"You know, at the end of the day those were the very same things that made me fall in love with her." The older Beckett turned to his daughter and a sad smile passed between the two. They both missed her so much.

"She would be so proud of you, Katie. I know I am."

Kate watched the line of his throat as he swallowed slowly. She reached down and gently took his hand in her, squeezing sympathetically. He squeezed back and pulled her into him as his arm encircled her shoulders. When she spoke he could hear her voice tremble with barely restrained emotion.

"I'm glad you came tonight, Dad." she murmured in his neck.

Jim leaned back to look in her eyes. "Me too." he replied. He tenderly brought their entwined hands to his mouth, kissing hers softly. "And I'm glad I finally met your friends. They're great and they obviously love you."

Kate nodded and smiled slightly. "They are family to me. I guess it's a door that swings both ways." She scanned the crowd searching for them. Ryan, Jenny and Martha were easy to find, engrossed in what seemed a funny conversation; Esposito was chatting with Montgomery's wife a few feet away.

"Rick left less than ten minutes ago in case you were wondering."

"I was not-" she stopped abruptly and stepped back, scanning the room with concerned eyes. Lanie, Alexis and Ashley were nowhere in sight. As Castle.

"Wait, has something happened to Alexis?"

He chuckled. "Don't worry," he reassured her "the young lady is more than fine." He discreetly pointed the far corner of the room, where Alexis was dancing tightly wrapped around Ashley.

Kate frowned. "Then why did he leave?" _Without saying goodbye_, she wanted to add.

Jim looked at her with a raised eyebrow. _She couldn't be so clueless._

A mirror eyebrow rose on her forehead. "So?" she asked impatiently.

_Apparently she is_. Jim sighed as he decided to be forward with her and not beating around the bush. "I guess he was not happy to see you and your boyfriend. Kissing."

Kate eyes widened in surprise as she took a step back. She was clearly not expecting that answer.

"I…" she stuttered uncomfortable "that wasn't- I was not-..."

Jim smiled in reassurance. "That's ok, honey, you don't have to expl-"

"Josh and I broke up." she blurted out.

"Ok." Jim said nothing for a few moments, absorbing her words. "I guess I should be sorry, shouldn't I?"

She rolled her eyes. "Dad-"

"Are you sorry?"

There was no hesitation in her answer this time. "No, I'm not." She sighed. "To be honest, it was long overdue."

Jim nodded. "What about Rick?"

"I'll talk to him." Not that it could make any difference since he was leaving anyway.

"Good. Because I looked at you all the evening and you smile a lot when he is around."

"He's funny." Kate supplied.

"He is." Jim smiled softly "Among other things." He squeezed her hand and turned to leave. No more words were needed.

Message received.

* * *

The red bright numbers of the digital clock mocked her from the night stand on her left. 2:28 AM. She hated lying awake in bed, always had since her mother had died. The stillness of the night had always propelled questions she often hadn't been able to answer. Or didn't want to.

Like now.

The fundraiser had been anything but perfect. They raised enough money to support not one but three students, and she knew her mom would have been ecstatic for that. Plus she spent the night with her father and her friends and things with Josh ended amicably.

Castle had been wonderful. Charming and funny as usual, he was rather irresistible tonight. Seeing him every day at work and not acting on her attraction for him was difficult enough, but seeing Castle interact with his family, especially with Alexis, had always raised in her a weird warm feeling in her belly, more deeper and stronger than physical attraction.

She was usually able to dismiss easily that feeling, but tonight it was the main reason for her pondering about all the things that could have been different in her life.

Who would Kate Beckett had become without her mother's murder? Would she still be observing love from the distance, craving for it, yet fighting it with all of her strength?

She closed her eyes and sighed loudly, for in that moment she really wished Castle could be there with her. Holding her in the darkness and making all the ghosts go away. Kate smiled as the image of them snuggling cozily on her couch slowly took form in her head. Suddenly, those same images turned into flashes of hungry mouths and avid hands and she growled in frustration as her palms flew to her face to cover her eyes.

But closing her eyes proved not to be a smart move as instead of erasing those images from her minds, it only helped in intensifying their vividness. Another exasperated growl left her throat as Kate flung the sheets from her body and headed for the bathroom.

She opened the tap and splashed a handful of ice-cold water on her face, but as she looked in the mirror in front of her there was no mistaking the blush on her cheeks and the raw desire in her eyes.

"Oh God, I'm smitten." she muttered. Here she was all hot and bothered just from the mere recollection of his kisses while sure enough the jackass was home brooding over a stupid peck on the lips from Josh.

_Enough_.

Before she could change her mind she quickly returned to her bedroom, discarded her nightly attire and put on a light blue v-neck sweater on a pair of jeans, zipped up her boots and grabbed her leather jacket.

She was almost out of the door when she returned to the bedroom, kneeled under the bed and retrieved a small wooden box.

For a moment Kate stopped there, on her knees in front of her bed, and caressed lightly with her fingertips the inlay carved on the box. She had always found amazing how much love could be confined in such a small box.

She stood and smiled. Now it was time to set it free.

* * *

**A/N: **no more flashbacks, I swear! They're definitely too difficult to manage… I'll leave you with a little sneak peek for the upcoming chapters: Castle or Beckett (or both of them, I still haven't decided - suggestions are much appreciated!) will end up in a casket…. ^.^

**Disclaimer: **see chapter 1.


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